Proud Momma...

I am proud of both of my girls for so many reasons. They have both turned into thoughtful, witty, bright little women. Sara is a pretty unusual 10-year-old. She is incredibly sensitive to the feelings of others, and she has, without question, the biggest heart of anyone I know. She's also hilarious, and she keeps everyone in stitches most of the time.

On Friday,  she came home from school a little upset. When I asked her what was wrong, she told me she was disappointed in a friend of hers. The friend in question had made a comment about two other girls she saw hugging at recess, saying they were acting like a couple of "lezzies."

"Why would you say that?" Sara asked.

"What? Don't you know what a lesbian is?" her friend asked.

"Of course I do," she said.

"Well, it's gross! Two women together? That's disgusting!" her friend said. By now, they had attracted a small audience. Sara didn't care.

"First of all, friends hug all the time. It doesn't mean they're gay. And even if they were, just because it's different from you and what you're used to doesn't mean there's anything wrong with it. It's who they are. It's not gross."

Needless to say, on an Oklahoma playground, her comments were not well received. But she didn't back down, even when her opinion was clearly unpopular. I am so proud of her for standing up for what she believes with grace and confidence under pressure, something many adults aren't capable of doing.

My daughters are both amazing, and they each have their strengths. This is Sara's. I can hardly wait to see who she becomes.

365

So much to say and no words to say it...I've never really known this kind of contentment. I know who I am. Not only that, but damn, I like this girl...I'm not scared. I'm not sad. For the very first time in my life, I'm not TRYING to fit in anywhere. I'm just being me, and living outside the lines. What stays with you...that's what's real. My girls. My friends. The Boy. My family. And I love them more than I can say. :)

He tried to break me. Instead, I blossomed.

Will You Survive the Zombie Apocalypse?

There are all kinds of people walking this earth. Most of them--like me--are fairly unremarkable. That isn't to say they don't have interesting characteristics. Everyone does. But the older I get and the more people I encounter, the more I realize just what a rare and precious commodity common sense actually IS.

There several different types of intelligence...depending on who you ask, there are anywhere from seven to nine specific types of intelligence identified within the field of psychology, and they really can tell us a lot about ourselves and how we learn most effectively. For example,  I tend to score highest on the verbal/linguistic and musical subtypes. But for some of us, these multiple intelligence subtypes can be generalized a little more simply.

Common sense. It SOUNDS like such a simple thing, doesn't it? It isn't. It's actually quite elusive and hard to come by, which is why when I find someone with any measurable amount of real common sense--be it friend or lover--I have an unfortunate tendency to want to hang on for dear life.

Anyone can pay money for a monkey education. They may go to a good school, they may study and make good grades and even graduate with honors and might excel in their field. They may make a killer salary and be good at what they do...and while I can absolutely respect all of that, here's the thing: they may still be practically helpless when they step out of their office at the end of the day.

What I really want to know is, do you have to have information spoonfed to you in a neat, organized manner, or can you pick it up in bits and pieces on the fly and put it all together later? Are you the type that asks if this will be included on the test? Can you pick up all of those random social cues and participate in that witty banter?

The ability to think quickly and abstractly is such a beautiful thing. To me, that's the very definition of common sense. Some people have a lot of it. Some have a little. Some have none. And maybe I'm wrong, but it does seem like practical intelligence is becoming somewhat less common. Here's the thing...if you have it, you need to be around other people who have it, too. Because you may not have very much patience for people without any. In fact, there are days when you may be secretly hoping for the Zombie Apocalypse just to hurry up and sort it all out.

Farewell, Old Friend...

In the early days of 1997, I was living in a tiny rental house on Hurd Street with my then-fiancé. The house was older and it actually had the mailbox attached to the house on the front porch...one day, I opened the front door to collect the mail, and in walked a tiny gray cat, who had seemingly been standing at the door waiting.

She marched into the little house, surveyed me and her surroundings, and after apparently deciding we would suit her needs, plopped down on the rug. She purred contentedly and I scratched her head. We became her people, because she adopted us.

She was an older kitten, according to the vet...probably 6-8 months old. We had her spayed immediately. She was the most affectionate cat I had ever encountered. She loved everyone, and lived to be around people. There was nothing aloof or arrogant about this cat. She was all sweetness...unless you were a mouse.

As a mouser, she was fierce and dedicated. She was small her whole life...about 6 pounds at her heaviest point. She had tiny, delicate feet and a pretty, dainty face. She looked so ladylike...and yet if a mouse dared to cross the threshhold of any of our homes, she would hunt them down like a trained assassin.

She was incredibly quiet, and said very little. She moved with her poor college-aged newlywed parents from pillar to post and lived in 6 different houses. She had excellent manners and a kind disposition. When we had our girls, she showed no jealousy, and rook right to loving them, and would curl up next to them for naps in their cribs if we forgot to shut the door..

She WAS exasperated 5 years ago when Santa brought a kitten to our house. She was far more exasperated in April when I adopted a Great Dane/Lab mix puppy as a watch dog. Still, there was no question of her gentle but firm authority. She may have been the smallest, most soft-spoken animal in the house, but it was entirely her domain.

In her senior years, she lost all of her teeth.  I bought her canned food and gave her extra love. She went partially blind, but her spirits and happy disposition never wavered.

This morning, or sometime last night, she left us for good. It appears as though she simply went to sleep. When she didn't come out to be fed or come when she was called, I knew something was very wrong. I was right.

Some parts of it I couldn't handle. I called my dear friend Adam to help me do the part I could not bring myself to do. I am so blessed to have such good people in my life.

And I was so blessed to have nearly 18 happy years with her. She brought me so much joy, especially in the past 2 years since my divorce. When I had double pneumonia, she knew. From the day I started to feel under the weather through my fever-induced delirium, she stayed by my side. When I was crippled by depression for several months that summer and fall, she was there, all the time. Her loyalty touched and comforted me. When I was laid up with a broken ankle this past summer, she planted herself next to me and refused to leave my side.

Tonight I am heartbroken beyond words, and have cried so many tears, I'm surprised the well is not yet dry. But I am also grateful for the kindness and love shown to me by so many. Ashley, Sarah, Levi,  Adam, Deanna, Adrienne, Emily, Chani, Todd, Cari, and my parents, in particular...not to mention everyone who reached out on facebook and in text messages. So many people made me feel loved in the face of sorrow. I am blessed beyond measure to have had this sweet fur baby in our family for so many years.

The girls are taking it hard, especially Sara...she's taking it every bit as hard as I am. I'm sure there are people out there who think it's silly to make such a fuss over a cat. But she was mine...before I was even married. Before I had my girls. She was mine, and she was beloved.

Farewell, Sweet Sam. I hope you're walking around in Kitty Heaven with a full set of teeth and restored vision, enjoying a tuna sandwich. :)

Plumbing Fail.

It happened a little over a week ago. I got up at 2 am and went to my bathroom to pee. Had I been more awake, I might have noticed the suspicious little wad of paper sitting in the bottom of the toilet, but that didn't happen. Half asleep, I emptied my wine-laden bladder and flushed. Water rushed into the bowl, all appeared normal, and then....

Nothing.

It didn't overflow. It didn't go down. Nothing.

Instantly awake and alarmed because of an irrational fear of plumbing irregularities, I grabbed the plunger and plunged. Twice. Three times.

Nothing.

Tired and irritated, especially because there was no visible reason for this to be occurring, I padded down the hall to the kitchen and grabbed the dish soap. (Every college girl has used this trick at her boyfriend's house at least once, whether she admits it or not.) I squeezed a substantial amount into the bowl and closed the lid, figuring I'd try again in the morning, and went back to bed.

The next morning, I'd forgotten entirely about my middle of the night plumbing woes. I opened the lid and saw the pool of bright red slime coating the mostly-empty bowl. What the.....?

Wait. Dish soap! The bottle sat innocently on the back of the toilet in its unassuming pomegranate glory. Right. Surely this did the trick....I flushed again.

Nothing.

I plunged, to no avail. Now I'm just pissed...which I remembered I still needed to do. I use the girls' bathroom and head back to my room to wake up Sara, who had fallen asleep watching TV in my bed.

"Noooooooo!" she protests.

"Sorry, Kid. You have to get up."

She starts to walk into my bathroom, and I stop her, telling her the toilet is messed up, and to use the other bathroom.

"Yeah. It sounded funny when I flushed it last night," she says.

Wait. What??!

Awesome.

I made several more fruitless attempts at plunging and dish soap application over the next several days. Finally, I bit the bullet and called my sometime-beau and Handler of Household Problems and admitted my toilet was broken.

This was a rather difficult thing for me...for although we have known each other for 9 months and are extremely fond of one another, our relationship is not exactly serious. He has never seen me first thing in the morning...and I would prefer him to think I have no need for a toilet at all, thankyouverymuch...but alas, my standbys had failed me and it was time to call in a professional...and by that, I mean my contractor non-boyfriend (NBF).

"My plumbing is jacked up..." I inform him.

The pause is a long one. "Okay........so, when you say that, what exactly do you mean?" He sounds amused.

"Oh, for heaven's sake! It's not a euphemism!" I explain the series of events that has brought me to this lowly state.

"Have you plunged it?" he asks.

"Come on, Levi! Do you really think I'd be calling you about a clogged toilet if I hadn't already tried plunging it?" I'm getting pretty impatient with him, but he seems to have a point to make, so I cut him a little slack.

"Okay, but when you plunged it, did you really get in there and put a lot of pressure on it and move it around so the pipes rattled when you did it? Or did you just kind of shove it in there and pull it out a few times and it didn't work?"

It was my turn to pause. Surely I've been properly plunging toilets for the past 30 - odd years...right? "I think so......?"

"You think so? Well, did you or didn't you?" Now he sounds impatient.

"I don't know! I'm a girl! No one has ever specifically pulled me aside and taught me how to plunge a toilet, but I've been relatively successful up to now!" I retort.

"Okay.....you may just not be putting enough pressure on it." Is it just me, or does he sound a little condescending now?

"I don't know!! Maybe not!! Are you really telling me I need a boy to come and rattle my pipes properly, because I've been doing it wrong all this time? Like the plumbing equivalent of just lying there?!!"

Clearly, I've frightened him a little, but he laughs anyway and promises he'll bring his tools over tomorrow, including a snake if he needs to use it........................

Still. Not a euphemism.

****Update. I do not, in fact, know how to properly use a plunger. And Levi can be incredibly smug.

Last Christmas....

So. Here we are. It's amazing what a difference 365 days can make in a person's life. Sometimes, in some ways, it can feel like an entirely different life altogether...but hindsight being what it is, I can also see how it's exactly as it should be.

You may be shaking your head at my decision to rip off the title of the Worst Christmas Song of All Time...but if anything, I think that makes it especially fitting. Last Christmas may have looked pretty in the pictures, but it wasn't real. It felt real. I never imagined this Christmas would turn out this way, but so many lessons in life have to be learned the hard way...getting here was Hell on Earth. But when I think of all I've gained, I am so thankful...

My Girls: Yes, I've always had them...but I can honestly say I am 500% closer to them both than I was even a year ago...Sara and I have always been tight. We can have entire conversations without speaking and read each other's moods. But the thing is...when I hurt, she hurts, and vice versa. When The Fraud revealed himself, the pain was unbearable, and she felt it just as keenly as I did. Now she's the one suffering a hurt I can't fix for her, and facing an uncertain future that she wants no part of...my heart breaks for her every day, but it also has drawn us even closer.

Em and I...well, while I would give my life for her in the blink of an eye, we've always had to work harder to get along...I am happy to say, those days have mostly passed. We enjoy a genuine affection for each other as we continue to find more and more common ground. As it turns out, 14-year-old girls really DO need their mothers...especially when they have boyfriends and the questions that invariably go along with them...and a love of alt - rock...and a sarcastic wit...and the realization that they're smarter than most of the adults they know. We have our moments, of course. She IS 14. But we've covered an enormous amount of ground in the past year, and we actually like hanging out together. I couldn't ask for more.

Incredible Friends: In many ways, The Fraud was the worst thing that ever happened to me. But when I think of what I walked away with, I can honestly say I'd do it again. April is my soul sister in a million different ways. Skip and Monika are a huge blessing, and I never would've gotten to know them well if not for The Fraud. Derek is worth a hundred MC's. Not to mention the friends I've had forever that walked through the fire with me. Ashley has actually done it a few times now. Deanna and Ian had my back at every turn. Adam lent an ear and some elbow grease helping me put things back together. So really...I am lucky, and I am thankful.

Roger: For as long as most of my friends can remember, I was the one that didn't like dogs. Then last year, I met a guy with a dog. The guy turned out to be--as one of my dear friends said--crazier than a shit-house rat, and 10 times meaner, too. But the dog...he had me smitten. And when it was all said and done, I knew my family was missing someone...it just wasn't who I thought. Now, there is a man in the house. He weighs 110 pounds and walks on all fours, and he faithfully loves us all...who would have ever imagined this year I would have a pony sized pup walking around in a red and green scarf, looking like the Sassy Gay Dog? Certainly not I....

Me: It took me about a year and a half to really like myself on my own. Maybe a little longer...but the results are far beyond any intelligent words I could express. I have changed so much, and ultimately, it's been for the better. I feel good about the people in my life. I am okay with the relationships that I outgrew, though I still care deeply for those who I lost. I learned how to let go, and how to forgive the unforgivable...both in myself and in others. More than anything...I am okay with who I am, and I am proud of who I've become...my girls respect me for being true to myself. I know that now, and I am proud of the example I set for them. They look at me and see someone who's smart and strong. (Until I see a mouse, anyway.) They see someone who admits her mistakes and learns from them. They see someone who is doing it on her own terms and doesn't need a guy to complete her or make her happy. That isn't to say there isn't someone that I love. There is...but it's just a bonus for now, because I already have a wonderful life and I'm not ready to change it in any permanent way.

This Christmas is a million miles from where I expected to be last year. I'm a different person. Many of my friends are different...I'm closer to my girls. I have a dog, a new job, and a new church. My life looks completely different. I feel a tremendous sense of peace and love. And it's only getting better. :)

Why Online Dating is a Bad Idea, Vol 2

Okay, okay...this one shouldn't even need any commentary...but that's not why any of us are here, is it? So, with that in mind...first things first. Once again, hats off to A for passing this one along and keeping me entertained on a slow afternoon. Keep them coming, my friend.

While I feel that the new school ratings system is mostly a crock of shit, clearly the education in certain places is subpar. How anyone can not recognize the difference between an auxiliary verb and a noun used to describe a penis in the morning just floors me. 

I realize, of course, that I'm referring to someone who clearly has misspelled his own name, so perhaps it should be expected. I wonder, did he get it wrong in the inquiry message or his username?

I have a question. Is punctuation becoming passe? I see this more and more, but seriously, people...it matters. Missing commas or superfluous apostrophes can totally change the meaning of a sentence. Either way...you appear far more intelligent when you demonstrate an understanding of your native language. So many people in this country are adamant about English being spoken at all times. Okay, super. If you feel that way, start with getting it right yourself. (I could spend a fair amount of time lamenting the fact that the US is pretty much the only developed country where bilingualism is not automatically taught in public schools, but I'll save that one for another time.)

Language arts are not everyone's forte, and I understand that. Some people have to work harder at it than others. Like when you're trying to make an impression on someone in an email...oh, wait...

It's not exactly a secret that the online dating pool in these parts tends to be rather shallow...that isn't to say you can't find a diamond in the rough on occasion. A is one such shining example...but it's rather like digging through the merchandise at Dollar General. 

Finally....is anyone else concerned about Derrick's (or Derrik's) two children? What happens when Dad tries to help them with their homework?

Single is Not a Disease State...

It's fall...fall is good, filled with all the things I enjoy most. Football. Cooler weather. Fireplaces. Football. Soup Sundays. Standard Time. Football. Sweaters. Boots. Football. Parties. Holidays...you get the idea. But here's the concept that continues to elude a handful of people...single people are just as entitled to the joys of the season--any season--as standard nuclear families. Or nontraditional nuclear families. Or people in serious relationships. Or anyone. Really.

I know...it seems like a no-brianer, one that was established by the likes of Bridget Jones and Carrie Bradshaw some 20 years ago, among others. But strange as it may seem, there are still some who look at my family of three--me and my girls--and see something that's incomplete. I can assure you, it's not. There are people who look at me and somehow see me as less of a person because I'm single. (Actually, I'm not single, exactly, but we'll get to that.) I'm not. There are a few people reading this right now who are inwardly (or outwardly, whatever) rolling their eyes, thinking that I'm only saying that because I don't have anyone, and if I did, I would change my tune. To them, I would say this: Just because my family and my relationship doesn't look like yours doesn't mean I'm sitting around wishing I had what you had. In fact, most of the time, the opposite is true, at least for the time being.

Just in case there's any confusion, let me tell you about my family. Of course, there's me. My girls. They're amazing, and they are, without question, my biggest accomplishment. Not my only one...they're actually one of many. But they are the biggest, hands-down. And while we get top billing in this little sitcom, the supporting cast is also stellar...I just don't live with them. My parents. My brother. Beth. Chelsea. Ashley. April. Adrienne. Amanda. Derek and Chad. Deanna an Ian. Lisa. Krystal. Sarah and Rob and Syd. Adam. And The Boy. There are others...the list is long and each person brings something important. Does my family look like yours? Nope. Is it perfect? No. And I wouldn't trade them for anything, either. Not even for a 2-carat diamond and a 4-bedroom, 3 bath house on an acre in town. Not that there's anything wrong with that. At ALL...but my family counts and is every bit as legit.

Single is relative. I don't consider myself single. I'm pretty sure L doesn't see it that way. I'm just not clamoring for a proposal or wanting to shack up anytime soon...I don't know when or if I will reach that point...with anyone. It isn't that I don't adore him. I'm just happy having my own house and my own things and my free time to spend however I want to spend it. One day, when it's right, I'm sure I'll be willing to give it up...but that's not now.

For now, I like things the way they are, and so do the girls. No one should feel sorry for me or assume I'm incomplete or unhappy being--sort of--on my own. And no one should overlook my holiday plans and assume they're unimportant, or that it's less of a Thanksgiving with only the three of us. That little Thanksgiving lunch matters to us, just as much as any family affair with a dozen people. This is our family, and it's pretty perfect the way it is. :)

Wisdom and Shannanigans...

So, it came to my attention the other night when the rest of you were sleeping that apparently both my first AND middle name mean "wise." My first name, of course, is Irish, and means "little wise owl." My daughter's discovery of this fact a couple of years ago led to her owl obsession, which I have adopted as well, because it's cute and so is she. My middle name is German and means "wise protector." So it would seem as though someone was trying to stack the deck...my initial thought was that someone must be fairly disappointed. However, upon further consideration, I concluded that most of the time wisdom takes the form of lessons learned. We're just going to assume that's the case for me...after all, I have learned my share...most of them the hard way. Also, props to L. When I relayed this discovery to him, along with my suspicion that my parents were perhaps attempting to fix the outcome in my favor, he (wisely) responded "Well, it seems to have worked." Well played...

 

I also feel it is my responsibility to impart some of my wisdom on the masses. (And by masses, I mean the couple of dozen of you that read my blog.) Mostly, I figure it will be good for laughs. But who knows...you might find a nugget or two that is pure gold. And to that end, I offer the following bits of general wisdom and advice:

 

25) Birth control makes most girls a little crazy...babies make you crazier.

 

24) When you are en route to your ex-boyfriend's house and discover the exit to his place has been removed permanently by the city planning commission, take it as a sign and just go home.

 

23) When your cycle synchronizes with your teenage daughter's, consider a weeklong vow of silence in each other's presence. If you have the misfortune of living in the same house as the afflicted mother and daughter, keep to yourself and don't look them in the eye.

 

22) If you are going to be drinking, go ahead and surrender your phone along with your keys. It's better for everyone.

 

21) Always leave before the party ends. (This one applies to any number of situations in life, such as relationships and jobs...but not concerts or ballgames)

 

20) Guys, never tell your girlfriend that she sounds like or reminds you of your mother...especially if she is several years older than you. I guarantee this will end badly.

 

19) It's okay to let your people take care of you in the little ways, as long as you can take care of yourself in the big ways.

 

18) That guy who was an asshole to you last year who just started calling you again? He's still an asshole. I promise....

 

17) Regardless of your problem, The Beatles probably have a song that can solve it.

 

16) Gray roots can be temporarily covered with the right mascara. (This trick is especially important if your boyfriend is several years younger than you.)

 

15) A guy generally decides whether or not he would like to sleep with you the very day he meets you. (In most cases, within 10 minutes, according to The Boy.) The longer you wait, the more likely it is that he likes you for who you are rather than what you look like.

 

14) Don't feel bad if Jon Stewart is your primary news source. He's far more sensible than ANYONE on Fox and most (if not all) of the talking heads on CNN and the Big 3. Furthermore, he'll probably force you to think for yourself and form your own opinion. You could do worse.

 

13) Have good friends of both genders. Sometimes you need the other perspective.

 

12) Go easy on people who just don't get it. They can't help that they've never walked in your shoes.

 

11) "Best friend" isn't a person, it's a tier. (Okay, okay...credit for this one actually goes to Mindy Kaling. But it's totally true.)

 

10) Any pictures you send in a text message or an email should be considered a part of your permanent public record. Just think about it....

 

9) Yes. That Corvette IS totally douchey, and we ARE judging you, perhaps unfairly...the same goes for the ridiculously oversized truck, unless you are a farmer or a contractor.

 

8) When you fracture your ankle, it's a good idea to listen to what your doctor and your physical therapist say...or you really COULD end up with chronic pain and swelling. :-/

7) Sometimes pretty girls will hate other pretty girls for no reason whatsoever. Although this isn't right by any means, it IS normal.

6) Always show them who you really are from the start.

5) Sometimes you will go off the rails a little. Be careful who sees you...your real friends won't judge. The others will not only judge, they may get together and discuss your crazy spell over a bottle of wine and a cheese platter...or beer and pizza, depending on the crowd.

4) It's okay not to fit into the box that is "normal" for your environment. The worst thing you can do is try to squeeze yourself into it.

3) New shoes can make almost anything better.

2) Sometimes the apple lands close to the tree. Sometimes it rolls a little. Sometimes it inexplicably ends up in an entirely different orchard. But it's still your tree.

1) The ones who hang in with you during your darkest hour are your family, whether or not you share DNA.

That's it, kids...I hope you weren't expecting anything too profound. But it's Friday night, and I'm home baking cookies and writing, with no plans to speak of and totally content to wait for the storms to roll in with my dog. L is coaching volleyball tonight and will probably call to check in with me on his way home. The girls are at their dad's. My friends are scattered about doing Friday night things with their dates or husbands or other friends. And I am happier than I've been in a decade, by myself, but not...so maybe there is some wisdom to be found here after all. ;)

The United Shame Spiral of America

I admit, I'm not a Crimson Tide fan, but I have to hand it to researchers at the University of Alabama...you guys clearly have a shit-ton of spare time on your hands. This is just the sort of research project that would fascinate me if I had hours upon hours to spend on it...it seems they deemed it important to compile a list of the most shameful statistical facts for each state. (Mississipi really got screwed.) For example, Oklahoma "won" the honors of having the highest rate of female incarceration in the country. Way to go Sooner State...which, I'll remind you again, our state nickname means "the cheater's state." Is it any wonder? Oh, and we also tied for highest number of strokes with 'Bama. Because THAT'S a shocker...next time you go out to eat, look at what's on the plates of the people nearby. Go to any grocery store other than Whole Foods or Sprouts and look in the carts around you. We Okies like our food deep fried and heavily processed. We also still like to smoke. I mean, Eischen's is like a mecca for some people...or at least it used to be. Can you still smoke in there?

Alaska isn't hard to understand with their highest suicide rate...I'm guessing if you dig a little deeper, you'll find that they have the lowest Vitamin D rates in the winter, too. Seriously, that Seasonal Affective Disorder sounds made up, but it isn't. Chin up, Alaska. We still love you.

Also not surprisingly, Utah has the highest rate of online porn subscriptions. At least they get real beer. (Hey, 'Bama, Oklahoma has another fun distinction...the stupidest set of Blue Laws in the country, including watered down beer.) Also, Louisiana wins the honor of having the highest rate of gonorrhea in the country...I think you guys can thank New Orleans for that one.

There were a few surprises...at least to me. What the hell is going on in Rhode Island, for example, and why do they have the highest rate of illicit drug use? And why are 4% of Colorado residents snorting blow? Why does Wisconsin have the highest rate of binge drinkers? Hmmmm....

A good Oklahoma girl (who has never seen the inside of a jail cell, thank you) would be remiss not to point out that Texas has the lowest rate of high school graduation in the nation. (For the love, would it really hurt to let them secede? I think I'd like to watch them try to fend for themselves. We could make it into a big reality show...like The Hunger Games.) And before you guys go getting all offended, of course I know plenty of intelligent people who live in Texas...but really. The secession thing has gone far enough. No one's particularly interested anymore.

And then, of course, we have Mississippi...wow. Let me say, y'all have really outdone yourselves. Mississippi bears the distinction of having the highest rates of obesity, infant mortality, child poverty, and STD's, as well as the highest teen birth rate and the lowest median household income. Seriously, guys? There HAS to be something else to do in the state of Mississippi besides eat and screw...not that I don't enjoy those activities myself, but come on, already! If you guys don't shape up, we're going to give you to Texas.

So there you have it, everyone...just in case you weren't sure what you should be ashamed of, the folks at 'Bama have kindly put together a list of cringe-worthy statistical distinctions for all to enjoy and stereotype accordingly. If you ask me, they missed a few things, but hey. No one asked. (Sweet Brown...I'm just saying.)

http://kfor.com/2013/09/26/united-states-of-shame-most-screwed-up-thing-in-each-of-50-states/

NO, really....

Okay...apparently lately I've strayed away from the funny a little too much...because even when I post something good, people call me in alarm, asking me what's up. Guys, seriously...nothing is up! I'm just really happy...

I have the two best daughters anyone could ask for. Emily is doing well in 8th grade, is starting to overcome her Angsty Dramatic Phase. She has a nice boyfriend and good friends. She makes good grades, and is starting to think for herself and question the universe. She rolls her eyes a little less. All of these things are good. Sara is in 4th grade. She still thinks I'm the coolest thing ever...or at least one of them. She has the sweetest, purest heart for those whom she loves...and looks suspiciously at pretty much everyone else. She relishes her role as baby of the family...to the point that she swears she's going to live with me forever. (Though I'm sure she'll let her dad share in that joy.)

I've got some pretty cool friends...my dear friend Nancy is getting married this Friday, and I'm so excited for her and Rocco! I also had a blast at Gentlemen of the Road in Guthrie a couple weeks ago with April, Derek, and Chad...hey, did you know there are railroad police? Something we learned...when I guess we kinda got pulled over? But walking? We ended up chatting them up and having our picture made with them, so there was no railroad jail for us. And when I ran into MC and he briefly thought the VPO meant he could still come up and say hi, I did not cry or even acknowledge him. April blocked me from his view as best she could, I put my head down, and we found a more appealing place to grab a drink. Also ran into The Nurse, which was fine and not especially upsetting or weird. We talked for a few minutes. I *may* have mentioned out loud that I thought he was kind of an asshole. Which he *may* have agreed with. Then I told him it was nice seeing him and took off back to my people. It was a pretty great weekend, even if it turned in to Ex-boyfriendpalooza. Now that football is underway, and I've gotten to hang out with all of my Norman friends and my Dallas family...and now that we finally have an away game, I can host gameday at my house for Sarah and Rob and Syd. Shana and Blaine are getting ready to relocate to the Big Easy with their sweet girls, and even invited us to visit when they're settled. Ashley is buried in grad school, Beth in her doctoral program, and Krystal in dental school, but we manage to carve out a little time here and there. And now that fall is setting in, Cooking Adventures with the Norris clan will soon resume! I'm excited!

There's someone else who's been getting a fair portion of my time these past six months, too...he's good to me. He shows up within 10 minutes and breaks into my car when I lock the keys in during the middle of the day. He fixes my cable when the dog chews through the wires without my even asking. He helps me when I break an ankle...and probably whatever else I happen to break, though I don't care to test that theory. He's patient and listens to me when I argue with him, and never holds it against me or makes me feel bad about how I feel, which is great. I'm sure he DOES get angry...I've heard stories...but so far I haven't seen it. Oh, and he's cute as hell. But mostly, he just makes me happy and I feel safe and have fun with him. It took awhile and he was patient with me those first few months after MC. He's kind of a tough nut to crack, too. Oddly enough, I met him in part because of my blog. Well, that and my good friend Jae...whom I've thanked more than once for introducing us. I don't know. We'll see what happens. But I like him a lot and I care about him a little more every day...and I'm pretty sure he feels the same way. No one is in a hurry.

So really...when I say something good happened, it's okay to believe it. I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be right now, and I feel like I'm on a road I want to be on...and I'm with the people who should be on it with me. I still don't exactly know the destination, but that's okay. I imagine between the lot of us, we'll figure something out...or at least open a bottle of wine and enjoy the trip. <3 <3

Sisters...and Some Sentimentality...

Some people are born with sisters. I gave birth to a pair of them myself, and I'm always telling them how lucky they are, that "your sister is the best friend that God chose for you"....and I believe that, even though it sounds like a load of crap your mother would feed you. So when my ever-inquisitive Sara was asking me the other day if I was sad not to have a sister of my own, I said no without hesitation...and I explained that there are also sisters that God brings to you. I am blessed beyond measure to have FIVE such soul sisters...and I'd like to tell you about them.

Bethie is pretty legit. I may not have grown up with her, but she is every bit as much my sister as if I had, and for a time, she even bore that legal distinction. She was there when my eldest daughter was born. When she and my brother divorced after spending nearly a decade together, she retained unofficial custody of me and my girls, and she has been a constant blessing to us all. It's funny, because people often think we are sisters in the traditional sense, and are always telling us how much we look alike. (Lots of people have dark brown hair, folks. We don't all look alike...but she's gorgeous, so I'll take it, even if it's inaccurate.) She is probably my closest confidante and she has never EVER judged me for anything I've said or done...and trust me, there is plenty of shit I'm NOT proud of...nor have I ever judged her. In so many ways, our recent histories closely parallel one another. That's the thing about Beth...she just GETS it. She's been there and she knows and she loves me, come what may, no questions asked.

Ashley also came to me by way of a break-up...I met her years ago as the new and extremely badass girlfriend of my buddy, Clayton. After a couple of years, she and Clayton imploded, and frankly, I think she was shocked when I called to ask how she was doing. She automatically assumed custody would revert back to Clayton, since I was friends with him first...but in all honesty...I sort of thought he was a jerk to her. So for awhile, I was her sounding board, and we became friends in our own right. She also has never imposed an ounce of judgment on any of my bad decisions...never made me feel bad for going back to The Nurse over and over, and always listened when he broke me, every time. She just helped me put myself back together. Then came Michael...no one had my back quite the way she did. She may have even saved my life, and has never made me feel stupid for any of my choices...even the clearly stupid ones. You don't find that every day.

Adrienne and I essentially grew up together. We met back in the stone age, schlepping overpriced enchiladas for an obscenely small paycheck and drinking cheap beer together on the weekends with our then-boyfriends, who eventually became our husbands. Fast forward nearly 20 years, and between us we've racked up three marriages, three divorces, three children, a string of dating disasters, and a hell of a lot of good stories. We talk almost every day, and I can always count on her for no-holds-barred opinions and advice, because I know she'll still see me as the same girl at the end of the day...older and (hopefully) wiser, but essentially the same girl who could hit the glass every time playing quarters.

Deanna is perhaps my biggest inspiration. She's been through many of the same things I have...she's been through a lot worse than I have in SO many ways...and she found herself along the way, and came out stronger, happier, better, and more beautiful in every possible way. She talks straight. She gives advice when she can, usually based on her own experiences. And when I screw up, she still gives me her love and respect...and that means so much, because she's one of the strongest women I know. She pursues her dreams relentlessly and is 100% true to herself along the way and I love her for it.

Last, but by no means least, there is April. How we met sounds like really bad fiction, as she pretty much hated me on sight...which is a story for another day. Or maybe it's the premise of a great novel...I'm not sure. But while I was understandably wary of her, I could also clearly see that she was one of the most witty, spirited, and intelligent people I had ever encountered. As the frost melted away, and I saw her for who she is, I was even more impressed...not only does she keep me in stitches, she is fun and incredibly loyal, and the best Plus One a girl could ask for. She's not afraid to tell me when I'm being an asshole, and those moments of assholiness don't change her overall opinion of me...which is probably why I value her opinion so much. (Plus, she comes with a seriously cool sister of her own, and who doesn't love a package deal?) I can't even imagine my life without her in it anymore...which is crazy, considering that 12 months ago, she thought I was Satan's mistress. (Actually, wait....I kind of was for awhile...)

 And so, to my beautiful youngest daughter....you are SO lucky to have a sister for life. I was thrilled to have two daughters, because I wanted you both to have that. But I can honestly say, the family you make for yourself and the sisters that the universe puts in your path are every bit as special. You may find them in unexpected places...they may be completely different from you—and from each other—but you'll recognize them by the unconditional love they give you. (Also, if you ever need to hide a body, you can totally call one of them.)

**Obviously, these are not my only friends. I am a lucky, lucky girl with a lot of great people in my life, and everybody brings something amazing to the table, and I in no way want to discount that...and many of them I am also incredibly close to. But there are some things in life that are constant and essentially unchanging, which is the point I was trying to make to my Chicken, and why these five, in particular, came up. Blood or no blood, a sister always has your back, never judges you, and loves you when you make an ass of yourself. These are mine. :)