The United Shame Spiral of America

I admit, I'm not a Crimson Tide fan, but I have to hand it to researchers at the University of Alabama...you guys clearly have a shit-ton of spare time on your hands. This is just the sort of research project that would fascinate me if I had hours upon hours to spend on it...it seems they deemed it important to compile a list of the most shameful statistical facts for each state. (Mississipi really got screwed.) For example, Oklahoma "won" the honors of having the highest rate of female incarceration in the country. Way to go Sooner State...which, I'll remind you again, our state nickname means "the cheater's state." Is it any wonder? Oh, and we also tied for highest number of strokes with 'Bama. Because THAT'S a shocker...next time you go out to eat, look at what's on the plates of the people nearby. Go to any grocery store other than Whole Foods or Sprouts and look in the carts around you. We Okies like our food deep fried and heavily processed. We also still like to smoke. I mean, Eischen's is like a mecca for some people...or at least it used to be. Can you still smoke in there?

Alaska isn't hard to understand with their highest suicide rate...I'm guessing if you dig a little deeper, you'll find that they have the lowest Vitamin D rates in the winter, too. Seriously, that Seasonal Affective Disorder sounds made up, but it isn't. Chin up, Alaska. We still love you.

Also not surprisingly, Utah has the highest rate of online porn subscriptions. At least they get real beer. (Hey, 'Bama, Oklahoma has another fun distinction...the stupidest set of Blue Laws in the country, including watered down beer.) Also, Louisiana wins the honor of having the highest rate of gonorrhea in the country...I think you guys can thank New Orleans for that one.

There were a few surprises...at least to me. What the hell is going on in Rhode Island, for example, and why do they have the highest rate of illicit drug use? And why are 4% of Colorado residents snorting blow? Why does Wisconsin have the highest rate of binge drinkers? Hmmmm....

A good Oklahoma girl (who has never seen the inside of a jail cell, thank you) would be remiss not to point out that Texas has the lowest rate of high school graduation in the nation. (For the love, would it really hurt to let them secede? I think I'd like to watch them try to fend for themselves. We could make it into a big reality show...like The Hunger Games.) And before you guys go getting all offended, of course I know plenty of intelligent people who live in Texas...but really. The secession thing has gone far enough. No one's particularly interested anymore.

And then, of course, we have Mississippi...wow. Let me say, y'all have really outdone yourselves. Mississippi bears the distinction of having the highest rates of obesity, infant mortality, child poverty, and STD's, as well as the highest teen birth rate and the lowest median household income. Seriously, guys? There HAS to be something else to do in the state of Mississippi besides eat and screw...not that I don't enjoy those activities myself, but come on, already! If you guys don't shape up, we're going to give you to Texas.

So there you have it, everyone...just in case you weren't sure what you should be ashamed of, the folks at 'Bama have kindly put together a list of cringe-worthy statistical distinctions for all to enjoy and stereotype accordingly. If you ask me, they missed a few things, but hey. No one asked. (Sweet Brown...I'm just saying.)

http://kfor.com/2013/09/26/united-states-of-shame-most-screwed-up-thing-in-each-of-50-states/