Thursday, September 26, 2013

The United Shame Spiral of America

I admit, I'm not a Crimson Tide fan, but I have to hand it to researchers at the University of Alabama...you guys clearly have a shit-ton of spare time on your hands. This is just the sort of research project that would fascinate me if I had hours upon hours to spend on it...it seems they deemed it important to compile a list of the most shameful statistical facts for each state. (Mississipi really got screwed.) For example, Oklahoma "won" the honors of having the highest rate of female incarceration in the country. Way to go Sooner State...which, I'll remind you again, our state nickname means "the cheater's state." Is it any wonder? Oh, and we also tied for highest number of strokes with 'Bama. Because THAT'S a shocker...next time you go out to eat, look at what's on the plates of the people nearby. Go to any grocery store other than Whole Foods or Sprouts and look in the carts around you. We Okies like our food deep fried and heavily processed. We also still like to smoke. I mean, Eischen's is like a mecca for some people...or at least it used to be. Can you still smoke in there?

Alaska isn't hard to understand with their highest suicide rate...I'm guessing if you dig a little deeper, you'll find that they have the lowest Vitamin D rates in the winter, too. Seriously, that Seasonal Affective Disorder sounds made up, but it isn't. Chin up, Alaska. We still love you.

Also not surprisingly, Utah has the highest rate of online porn subscriptions. At least they get real beer. (Hey, 'Bama, Oklahoma has another fun distinction...the stupidest set of Blue Laws in the country, including watered down beer.) Also, Louisiana wins the honor of having the highest rate of gonorrhea in the country...I think you guys can thank New Orleans for that one.

There were a few surprises...at least to me. What the hell is going on in Rhode Island, for example, and why do they have the highest rate of illicit drug use? And why are 4% of Colorado residents snorting blow? Why does Wisconsin have the highest rate of binge drinkers? Hmmmm....

A good Oklahoma girl (who has never seen the inside of a jail cell, thank you) would be remiss not to point out that Texas has the lowest rate of high school graduation in the nation. (For the love, would it really hurt to let them secede? I think I'd like to watch them try to fend for themselves. We could make it into a big reality show...like The Hunger Games.) And before you guys go getting all offended, of course I know plenty of intelligent people who live in Texas...but really. The secession thing has gone far enough. No one's particularly interested anymore.

And then, of course, we have Mississippi...wow. Let me say, y'all have really outdone yourselves. Mississippi bears the distinction of having the highest rates of obesity, infant mortality, child poverty, and STD's, as well as the highest teen birth rate and the lowest median household income. Seriously, guys? There HAS to be something else to do in the state of Mississippi besides eat and screw...not that I don't enjoy those activities myself, but come on, already! If you guys don't shape up, we're going to give you to Texas.

So there you have it, everyone...just in case you weren't sure what you should be ashamed of, the folks at 'Bama have kindly put together a list of cringe-worthy statistical distinctions for all to enjoy and stereotype accordingly. If you ask me, they missed a few things, but hey. No one asked. (Sweet Brown...I'm just saying.)

http://kfor.com/2013/09/26/united-states-of-shame-most-screwed-up-thing-in-each-of-50-states/

Thursday, September 19, 2013

NO, really....

Okay...apparently lately I've strayed away from the funny a little too much...because even when I post something good, people call me in alarm, asking me what's up. Guys, seriously...nothing is up! I'm just really happy...

I have the two best daughters anyone could ask for. Emily is doing well in 8th grade, is starting to overcome her Angsty Dramatic Phase. She has a nice boyfriend and good friends. She makes good grades, and is starting to think for herself and question the universe. She rolls her eyes a little less. All of these things are good. Sara is in 4th grade. She still thinks I'm the coolest thing ever...or at least one of them. She has the sweetest, purest heart for those whom she loves...and looks suspiciously at pretty much everyone else. She relishes her role as baby of the family...to the point that she swears she's going to live with me forever. (Though I'm sure she'll let her dad share in that joy.)

I've got some pretty cool friends...my dear friend Nancy is getting married this Friday, and I'm so excited for her and Rocco! I also had a blast at Gentlemen of the Road in Guthrie a couple weeks ago with April, Derek, and Chad...hey, did you know there are railroad police? Something we learned...when I guess we kinda got pulled over? But walking? We ended up chatting them up and having our picture made with them, so there was no railroad jail for us. And when I ran into MC and he briefly thought the VPO meant he could still come up and say hi, I did not cry or even acknowledge him. April blocked me from his view as best she could, I put my head down, and we found a more appealing place to grab a drink. Also ran into The Nurse, which was fine and not especially upsetting or weird. We talked for a few minutes. I *may* have mentioned out loud that I thought he was kind of an asshole. Which he *may* have agreed with. Then I told him it was nice seeing him and took off back to my people. It was a pretty great weekend, even if it turned in to Ex-boyfriendpalooza. Now that football is underway, and I've gotten to hang out with all of my Norman friends and my Dallas family...and now that we finally have an away game, I can host gameday at my house for Sarah and Rob and Syd. Shana and Blaine are getting ready to relocate to the Big Easy with their sweet girls, and even invited us to visit when they're settled. Ashley is buried in grad school, Beth in her doctoral program, and Krystal in dental school, but we manage to carve out a little time here and there. And now that fall is setting in, Cooking Adventures with the Norris clan will soon resume! I'm excited!

There's someone else who's been getting a fair portion of my time these past six months, too...he's good to me. He shows up within 10 minutes and breaks into my car when I lock the keys in during the middle of the day. He fixes my cable when the dog chews through the wires without my even asking. He helps me when I break an ankle...and probably whatever else I happen to break, though I don't care to test that theory. He's patient and listens to me when I argue with him, and never holds it against me or makes me feel bad about how I feel, which is great. I'm sure he DOES get angry...I've heard stories...but so far I haven't seen it. Oh, and he's cute as hell. But mostly, he just makes me happy and I feel safe and have fun with him. It took awhile and he was patient with me those first few months after MC. He's kind of a tough nut to crack, too. Oddly enough, I met him in part because of my blog. Well, that and my good friend Jae...whom I've thanked more than once for introducing us. I don't know. We'll see what happens. But I like him a lot and I care about him a little more every day...and I'm pretty sure he feels the same way. No one is in a hurry.

So really...when I say something good happened, it's okay to believe it. I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be right now, and I feel like I'm on a road I want to be on...and I'm with the people who should be on it with me. I still don't exactly know the destination, but that's okay. I imagine between the lot of us, we'll figure something out...or at least open a bottle of wine and enjoy the trip. <3 <3

Thursday, September 12, 2013

Sisters...and Some Sentimentality...


Some people are born with sisters. I gave birth to a pair of them myself, and I'm always telling them how lucky they are, that "your sister is the best friend that God chose for you"....and I believe that, even though it sounds like a load of crap your mother would feed you. So when my ever-inquisitive Sara was asking me the other day if I was sad not to have a sister of my own, I said no without hesitation...and I explained that there are also sisters that God brings to you. I am blessed beyond measure to have FIVE such soul sisters...and I'd like to tell you about them.

Bethie is pretty legit. I may not have grown up with her, but she is every bit as much my sister as if I had, and for a time, she even bore that legal distinction. She was there when my eldest daughter was born. When she and my brother divorced after spending nearly a decade together, she retained unofficial custody of me and my girls, and she has been a constant blessing to us all. It's funny, because people often think we are sisters in the traditional sense, and are always telling us how much we look alike. (Lots of people have dark brown hair, folks. We don't all look alike...but she's gorgeous, so I'll take it, even if it's inaccurate.) She is probably my closest confidante and she has never EVER judged me for anything I've said or done...and trust me, there is plenty of shit I'm NOT proud of...nor have I ever judged her. In so many ways, our recent histories closely parallel one another. That's the thing about Beth...she just GETS it. She's been there and she knows and she loves me, come what may, no questions asked.

Ashley also came to me by way of a break-up...I met her years ago as the new and extremely badass girlfriend of my buddy, Clayton. After a couple of years, she and Clayton imploded, and frankly, I think she was shocked when I called to ask how she was doing. She automatically assumed custody would revert back to Clayton, since I was friends with him first...but in all honesty...I sort of thought he was a jerk to her. So for awhile, I was her sounding board, and we became friends in our own right. She also has never imposed an ounce of judgment on any of my bad decisions...never made me feel bad for going back to The Nurse over and over, and always listened when he broke me, every time. She just helped me put myself back together. Then came Michael...no one had my back quite the way she did. She may have even saved my life, and has never made me feel stupid for any of my choices...even the clearly stupid ones. You don't find that every day.

Adrienne and I essentially grew up together. We met back in the stone age, schlepping overpriced enchiladas for an obscenely small paycheck and drinking cheap beer together on the weekends with our then-boyfriends, who eventually became our husbands. Fast forward nearly 20 years, and between us we've racked up three marriages, three divorces, three children, a string of dating disasters, and a hell of a lot of good stories. We talk almost every day, and I can always count on her for no-holds-barred opinions and advice, because I know she'll still see me as the same girl at the end of the day...older and (hopefully) wiser, but essentially the same girl who could hit the glass every time playing quarters.

Deanna is perhaps my biggest inspiration. She's been through many of the same things I have...she's been through a lot worse than I have in SO many ways...and she found herself along the way, and came out stronger, happier, better, and more beautiful in every possible way. She talks straight. She gives advice when she can, usually based on her own experiences. And when I screw up, she still gives me her love and respect...and that means so much, because she's one of the strongest women I know. She pursues her dreams relentlessly and is 100% true to herself along the way and I love her for it.

Last, but by no means least, there is April. How we met sounds like really bad fiction, as she pretty much hated me on sight...which is a story for another day. Or maybe it's the premise of a great novel...I'm not sure. But while I was understandably wary of her, I could also clearly see that she was one of the most witty, spirited, and intelligent people I had ever encountered. As the frost melted away, and I saw her for who she is, I was even more impressed...not only does she keep me in stitches, she is fun and incredibly loyal, and the best Plus One a girl could ask for. She's not afraid to tell me when I'm being an asshole, and those moments of assholiness don't change her overall opinion of me...which is probably why I value her opinion so much. (Plus, she comes with a seriously cool sister of her own, and who doesn't love a package deal?) I can't even imagine my life without her in it anymore...which is crazy, considering that 12 months ago, she thought I was Satan's mistress. (Actually, wait....I kind of was for awhile...)

 And so, to my beautiful youngest daughter....you are SO lucky to have a sister for life. I was thrilled to have two daughters, because I wanted you both to have that. But I can honestly say, the family you make for yourself and the sisters that the universe puts in your path are every bit as special. You may find them in unexpected places...they may be completely different from you—and from each other—but you'll recognize them by the unconditional love they give you. (Also, if you ever need to hide a body, you can totally call one of them.)



**Obviously, these are not my only friends. I am a lucky, lucky girl with a lot of great people in my life, and everybody brings something amazing to the table, and I in no way want to discount that...and many of them I am also incredibly close to. But there are some things in life that are constant and essentially unchanging, which is the point I was trying to make to my Chicken, and why these five, in particular, came up. Blood or no blood, a sister always has your back, never judges you, and loves you when you make an ass of yourself. These are mine. :)