So I've learned more than a FEW hard lessons the past year...and one of the biggest ones I've been struggling with--and for the longest time--is letting go of friendships that have run their course. It's silly, I know. When you love someone so much, and have shared so much with them, of course you want to hang onto a relationship...but here's the thing: hanging onto a friend or a relationship when there isn't really anything to hang onto has to be one of life's most demeaning, soul-crushing experiences. It's been worse than most of the breakups I've had. It IS a breakup...a harder one, in many ways, because there are so many things you love and miss, and you have to accept that they simply don't feel the same way about you or value your friendship the way you do theirs.
It happens for any number of reasons...in my case, it started with the divorce. With most of my married friends, not much changed. They asked me about my dating life, and went out of their way to make me feel included for parties and activities, whether I was seeing someone or not. When I had a breakup or a shitty date, they listened...sometimes offered advice, but never judged, whether I took the advice or not.
And then, there was the other group...and the one I've spent a LOT of money on therapy trying to understand, convinced that I'd somehow failed. It's especially hard, because it was once the single most important non-familial friendship I had...and now, I'm pretty sure if I never text her again, then I may have already spoken to her for the last time. I'm just no longer on her radar and don't fit into her life. How did I get to this point? Where did I go so wrong? I've asked myself--and my therapist--these questions over and over for more than six months.
While most of my friends have made an effort to keep up with me, there are a few that have retreated further away...and it took me awhile to realize that's a reflection of THEM. Not me. When you spend a rare evening with several of them, and realize that not one time did ANYONE ask anything about you, outside of the initial greeting, that's also a reflection on them. When they spend the entire evening talking about things they've done together that you weren't a part of...well, that's just rude...but it's certainly not a reflection of ME. It took $700 in counselor's fees and some wise words from good friends to fully understand that.
Friends come into your life for a reason. Sometimes it's long-term. Occasionally, it's for life. But friends leave your life for a reason, too. And hanging onto one that doesn't want to be there only makes you feel insignificant. Instead, focus on the ones that bring something wonderful to your life--not someone who makes you feel ashamed or unworthy. It's easy to let the one overshadow the others...but don't make that mistake, like I did. Accept that the season has passed...and by all means, go ahead and keep loving them. Keep rooting for them, and keep praying for them, because I promise, they need it. Celebrate the wonderful things about them, not the things that they did or said that made you feel like shit. Chances are, those are the result of their own insecurities, anyway. (Remember, no one has any right to look down on you.) And when you have sent them your very best full-power Care Bear Stare, don't feel bad about turning your attention to the people that actually make you feel loved.
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