Moving Day...

This blog used to be like another home for me...a safe place where I could let my hair down and confide in friends. In recent months, however, it has taken on a different life and become a different place. The neighborhood has changed. Too much has happened here, and it no longer feels like home.

This is bittersweet for me, as I am infinitely grateful for the dozens of supportive emails I have received from all across the country...I am thankful for every reader. I am thankful for every comment, whether it was shared on the blog site or privately in an email, regardless of whether or not you agreed with what I had to say. Also, I am proud of this little blog...I've come a long way from the girl who once refused to let anyone read a single word she had written. I found my voice here. I worked through a few problems and made a few people laugh. While I have absolutely no regrets about anything I've shared, after much consideration, I have decided to move to a new home. Sometimes, the best thing you can do in life is start fresh...and since physically relocating to the mountains in Colorado is not an option for me right now, I'm going to start by giving my voice a new home.

For the time being, I have decided NOT to share the link to my new blog publicly...if you wish to continue following me--and I hope you do--please email me at seeksdecember@gmail.com and I will be happy to send you a link. I have no plans to take this site down, just as you don't burn down the house because you're moving. You just pack up your things and leave it behind. See you soon.

First Date

I just sent my eigth-grader off on her first date....her boyfriend is a gangly, dark-haired, freckled boy named Richard. (Yes. His name is actually Richard. And he's also 13.) She was just picked up by Richard and his parents, to be dropped off at Kickingbird Theater for the next two hours and forty-two minutes, because I'm nice enough to allow for preview time. This is nerve-wracking on dozens of different levels and for several reasons...not the least of which is because I remember this exact scenario all too vividly.

Still, I think when we look back on this day, what will best be remembered are the introductions.  I didn't hear the bell, and Emily answered the door to find Richard and his father standing on the front porch. Sara comes running into my room. "He's heeeeeeere!" she whispers at regular volume. I head down the hall to find Emily standing shyly in the entry way, the front door open, and Richard and his father on my front walk.

"Hi, I'm Shannon," I say, shaking hands with The Boy's father. I am knocked slightly aside as Roger, our 6-month-old, 70-something pound puppy, barrels out the front door.

"Oh, shit!" Emily blurts, taking off after the dog.

Can you feel that awkward silence?

I smile at The Boy and his stunned father. She's SO mine.

Insomnia Chronicles Part I

So, it seems sleeping is something I've given up again for the time being...and I guess that's okay. I admit there's a lot on my mind. For example, my daughter is going on her first date this weekend...if that isn't worthy of a little sleep deprivation, what is? Did I mention that her boyfriend's name is Richard? And that he asked for her phone number because they were both wearing deadmau5 shirts? Shit, this kid doesn't stand a chance with me....

She's very cute in her happy bubble. Tonight, she started giggling because of a sweet text he sent. Don't worry, I'm not going to burst it. I'm not going to tell her that it gets a lot more complicated the older you get. The thing is, it's also every bit as wonderful when you meet someone and you click, no matter how old you are. It doesn't matter that you both have a few quirks. It doesn't matter if there's baggage. What matters is that you see something wonderful in someone and you want to be around them so you can find out more. Maybe that starts with a deadmau5 t-shirt. Maybe it's something else...but whatever it is, I hope she doesn't ignore a spark just because she's scared or because it maybe isn't perfect on the surface. I've done that more times than I can count, and you know what? You always wonder. But at the end of the day,  it isn't about everything being perfect...it's about finding someone who still wants to stick around when they know you're NOT...and wanting them with you in spite of the mess. Now THAT'S a beautiful dream.

If only I could sleep....

Eccelsiastes 3

So I've learned more than a FEW hard lessons the past year...and one of the biggest ones I've been struggling with--and for the longest time--is letting go of friendships that have run their course. It's silly, I know. When you love someone so much, and have shared so much with them, of course you want to hang onto a relationship...but here's the thing: hanging onto a friend or a relationship when there isn't really anything to hang onto has to be one of life's most demeaning, soul-crushing experiences. It's been worse than most of the breakups I've had. It IS a breakup...a harder one, in many ways, because there are so many things you love and miss, and you have to accept that they simply don't feel the same way about you or value your friendship the way you do theirs.

It happens for any number of reasons...in my case, it started with the divorce. With most of my married friends, not much changed. They asked me about my dating life, and went out of their way to make me feel included for parties and activities, whether I was seeing someone or not. When I had a breakup or a shitty date, they listened...sometimes offered advice, but never judged, whether I took the advice or not.

And then, there was the other group...and the one I've spent a LOT of money on therapy trying to understand, convinced that I'd somehow failed. It's especially hard, because it was once the single most important non-familial friendship I had...and now, I'm pretty sure if I never text her again, then I may have already spoken to her for the last time. I'm just no longer on her radar and don't fit into her life. How did I get to this point? Where did I go so wrong? I've asked myself--and my therapist--these questions over and over for more than six months.

While most of my friends have made an effort to keep up with me, there are a few that have retreated further away...and it took me awhile to realize that's a reflection of THEM. Not me. When you spend a rare evening with several of them, and realize that not one time did ANYONE ask anything about you, outside of the initial greeting, that's also a reflection on them. When they spend the entire evening talking about things they've done together that you weren't a part of...well, that's just rude...but it's certainly not a reflection of ME. It took $700 in counselor's fees and some wise words from good friends to fully understand that.

Friends come into your life for a reason. Sometimes it's long-term. Occasionally, it's for life. But friends leave your life for a reason, too. And hanging onto one that doesn't want to be there only makes you feel insignificant. Instead, focus on the ones that bring something wonderful to your life--not someone who makes you feel ashamed or unworthy. It's easy to let the one overshadow the others...but don't make that mistake, like I did. Accept that the season has passed...and by all means, go ahead and keep loving them. Keep rooting for them, and keep praying for them, because I promise, they need it. Celebrate the wonderful things about them, not the things that they did or said that made you feel like shit. Chances are, those are the result of their own insecurities, anyway. (Remember, no one has any right to look down on you.) And when you have sent them your very best full-power Care Bear Stare, don't feel bad about turning your attention to the people that actually make you feel loved.

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