Honeybabysweetiepie 101

As a lifelong resident of this great (?) state, I am no stranger to the use of Terms of Endearment as Regular Pronouns. On the other hand, I'm smart enough to know what's acceptable here isn't necessarily okay...oh, anywhere north of the state line, and I adjust accordinly when I travel. And while these rules have never been committed to writing (so far as my extensive--and by that I mean zero--research indicates), I am always amazed that there are even fellow Southerners (and Middlers like me) who do not observe these unspoken rules. Therefore, as a courtesy to my fellow man, please allow me to enlighten you.

First of all, let me offer a disclaimer: Oklahoma falls into that gray area I like to call the Cowboy South (because it sounds more flattering than most of the other descriptors that spring to mind.) Southerners do not claim us. Texas is our closest neighbor and our fellow residents of the Cowboy South, as their landscape, resources, and lifestyles most closely resemble our own. However, Texas would kind of prefer to pretend Oklahoma does not exist...it's like we're a hat they've forgotten they're wearing. This determined nonacknowledgement gets pretty difficult during football season, when we've stolen their most promising recruits and the Red River Rivalry is looming large...but I digress. My point is, the Cowboy South and the True South have similar rules when it comes to the use of Endearments as Pronouns. Consider the following User's Guide:

Honey:
For Females:  This is the go-to term in Oklahoma. Girls and women of all ages can and do use it liberally with both genders with little fear of being considered inappropriate, with the following exceptions: students should never address their teachers, nor should children address their parents in this manner. Additionally, avoid using it with members of the clergy. Pretty much anything else is fair game, though. "Honey" in the Deep South may be liberally interchanged with "sugar," "darlin," or "sweetheart," all of which mean the same thing coming from a female. While these variations are less common among Oklahoma natives, they are usually considered acceptable, especially if they are delivered with a Dixie-laced accent. Now, you may be wise to make geographical adjustments as necessary. Is my largely accent-less self going to respond "thanks, honey!" to the sweet-faced server who brings me a drink in Chicago? Probably not unless it's a guy and I think he's hot...

For Males: While it is generally permissible for women to address men as "honey" regardless of their relationship, this rule does NOT go both ways. For simplicity's sake, I will use my 35-year-old self as an example. The following people may call me "honey" without fear of being considered in any way creepy:

• women of all ages, regardless of relationship
• gay men of all ages, whether I know them or not
• men with whom I have an established platonic friendship, such as the husbands of my close friends.
• any man whom I may be regularly making out or sleeping with presently, as well as SOME of the formers, excluding my ex-husband. (Those of you among this population probably know who you are, because I still wish you happy birthday and do not refer to you as "fucktard.")
• men over the age of 65.

Other Helpful Hints:
--If you are attempting to get a date with me, and there is an inappropriate use of such terminology, I can pretty well guarantee it won't happen, with me or any other intelligent, attractive woman in this state. Please use caution.

--If you are trying to sell me something and these guidelines are breached, you just lost your commission.

--If you are going to be doing work on my car...please...for the love of God...JUST. DON'T. DO. IT.

Baby:
General: Whiile far less common than "honey," it is not completely unheard of for women to occasionally refer to their closest friends (again, of either gender) as "babe." I will also accept "babe" from male friends, provided I have known them a good decade or longer, as well as guys that I am legitimately dating, even if it isn't particularly serious. To go full-on "baby." however, generally implies that the person whom you are addressing either A) is someone you gave birth to or in some way contributed to their DNA makeup, or B) has recently seen you naked, and it wasn't in a locker room. Otherwise, let's keep this one tucked away in the Sooner State, shall we?

Sweetheart (or Sweetie):
General: For the most part, the same rules apply to these terms as apply to "honey." It's simply less common here and more common in other regions. Again, some leeway may be given at the listener's discretion based on accent. That is, if you can actually make out what they're saying...there's a guy I've been dating off and on for the past 8 or 9 months, and I still can't understand him when we talk on the phone to save my soul. (He's from the Memphis area.) Texting just works better in such cases, followed by face-to-face conversations.

Other General Tips:

--You may use "bless her heart" as a broad-spectrum disclaimer for virtually any disparaging comment that precedes or follows, i.e., "Bless her heart, she won't be winning any beauty contests any time soon." Or, "bless her heart, her Mama never taught her how not to be such a nasty bitch."

--Y'all is a perfectly acceptable contraction for "you all."

--We have relatively few colloquial slang terms...more of a tendency to run our words together without any attempt to enunciate. For example "jeet jet?" translates to "Did you eat yet?"

--Please never, EVER use the movie or the musical Oklahoma! as a translation reference...or just don't refer to it at all. That would be great...

And to the random guy in the silver Corvette who called me "honey" yesterday, I dedicate this post and offer the following message: NOT IN THIS LIFETIME.