All Things New...

Well, it's a New Year, and I'm not too sure about it yet...that happiness of which I spoke? Kind of fleeting, really...I guess that's the way it's going to be for awhile. Not that there aren't things to be happy about, mind you...for example, we sold our house in record time, after only 2 weeks on the market. I have a contract on a beautiful little house of my own, and am hopefully moving in next week. But there is much still up in the air with the divorce decree being finalized and the closing happening on time, and I probably won't know for sure whether or not it will work out until the day before closing...pretty frustrating stuff. Makes for a lot less sleep, that's for sure, and in someone who kind of sucks at sleeping as it is...well...it's been tough. And then there's the whole reality that if I screw this up, it's all on me. That's hard to take...explaining to the girls why we need to move, and how our budget is going to change a lot is no picnic, either, though they've taken everything in stride, just like they always do.

Oh, and N? That was Nick. He could be pretty selfish when push came to shove, and he hurt me. The worst part is, I bought it all, hook, line, and sinker. I know he was just a silly almost-boyfriend, and there will be others...but how do I overcome the loss of respect for myself? I know I needed to learn this lesson...but so soon after what I went through at the end, when I'm still dealing with the fallout of THAT nearly every day? It hardly seems fair...instead, it just seems like the mountain of shit I'm supposed to conquer just keeps getting taller and taller, and I'm not making ANY progress in climbing it...N taught me not to trust...or he reinforced it, anyway. Now I'm so afraid to open up and put myself out there, I'm starting to think I may as well just join a convent...

Little blessings have popped up in unexpected places, though. I realized some people are better friends than I ever imagined...and also a couple of people who maybe aren't as good as I thought. I am slowly but surely learning to be content with myself, just as I am...but am still secretly hoping that Mr. Darcy is out there waiting for me somewhere...Mark Darcy would be okay, too...since the others turned out to be more like Daniel Cleaver. I am trying to learn how to JUST BE STILL, like a good friend once told me. Just be still, and wait, and the answers will come.

That's all well and good, but could someone give me an idea of when I might expect them?