It's no secret that the past two years have been the hardest of my life...everything I knew has been turned upside down. I've been pretty quiet about most of it, because that's how I process things...but today is the first of December, and it's an eventful one at that. It seemed like a good time for an update of sorts, so bear with me while I stumble through this mess that is my life.
First, although I'm pretty sure I have yet to utter this sentence aloud, let alone commit it to writing, it's not exactly a secret. Brian and I are getting a divorce. While I've had some time to get used to the idea, it's still very strange on so many levels...I married B at 21 after dating him for three years. I have never had a Christmas on my own as an adult. I'm turning 35 this month, and I won't be getting a present from him for the first time since my 18th...I'm essentially having to redefine my whole life, and to some extent, I'm making it up as I go. Trying to figure out who I am in the singular tense has been hard...of course, I have the girls, so I only exist in the singular tense 12 nights per month.
The girls are doing well, and are adjusting to the changes far better than I am...we'll see if that holds true after we move. The house is on the market, effective today. I'm looking to buy in the same school district we're living in now, but this is a tall order in Edmond, at least in my price range. Hopefully it will work out...they've had enough changes, and I pray I can spare them this one.
My friends have been amazing, and I am so very blessed...but it's getting a little harder, with everyone busy for the holidays, and me considerably LESS busy than I usually am this time of year. Sometimes the house is too quiet. Last month, when I had an article deadline, I simply couldn't write it at home. I kept starting, and just wasn't getting anywhere. I ended up going to O's and sitting at the bar with my laptop. Nancy was great--she got me a glass of wine and left me alone, and I pounded the editorial out amid the background noise in less than two hours...this is the new normal.
I've dated a handful of guys, and that has defintiely been interesting...no one tells you the rules change so much over the course of 16 years, but they do...and it's not always fun. Marriage is infinitely harder, but dating is no damn picnic, either...it's not for the faint of heart. And you know what? I am utterly terrified of being hurt again. I'm already a little broken, so why would I want to open myself up to the possibility of being shattered beyond repair?
Because it's what you do. Life doesn't come with a guarantee. Which brings me to my other bit of news...I'm seeing someone, and it's going really well. For now, we can just call him N...if it gets more serious, I'll give him the rest of his name. We've been dating for a couple of months, and I love hanging out with him...he's sarcastic and funny, and he makes me laugh all the time. I have a few years on him, and he likes to tease me about it sometimes, but it doesn't really bother either one of us. He's smarter than I am, and as such, I get away with next to nothing, but it's fun to be kept on my toes. But I think I just said the keyword here...fun. He's a lot of fun, which makes him exactly what I need right now. I have a great time with him, and he's a great guy, and he makes me happy...
That's right. Happy. My first Christmas on my own, my first birthday as an adult without a husband, my house on the market, my world turned on its side...it's taken awhile, but I can say it now. I'm happy. I'm on my own...and I'm doing just fine, so bring on the holidays. I can take it.
