Tomorrow, I have to face the man who hurt me more than I ever imagined was possible...and I am scared. I'm not scared that something will happen to me in the courtroom...but I am scared of having to relive the awful things he put me through. I have not yet successfully talked about what happened without dissolving into a crying jag that is vaguely reminiscent of Whoopi Goldberg in The Color Purple...and that's just practicing in the mirror. I have no idea how I'll manage it in front of a judge...and the prospect of M's sneering presence turns my stomach.
I don't understand how he can live with the knowledge of what he did to me, and still present himself as the victim...just some guy with a crazy ex, like he did with his last girlfriend to me...does he get a rush from knowing that I'm constantly looking over my shoulder? That I'm scared all the time? That I wrote letters to my daughters in case something happened to me because of HIM? Because of his words. Because of his actions. Because of his threats. Because he stole my confidence and crushed it. Because he took a sick pleasure in pointing out my every flaw, in telling me I wasn't good enough, even as he told me he loved me in the same breath.
The worst part is, he had me believing it. He had me believing THAT was normal. Just count the bruises and wipe up the blood and tell me he loves me and he's sorry he called me those names and said those things. What I really want to know is how did HE get this way? And what gives him the right to play the victim when I finally stand up and say I've had enough? Who taught him that it was okay to systematically tear someone down, piece by piece, until there was nothing left?
Some things, I don't want to understand. This is one of them. Pray for my strength tomorrow. For wisdom and peace for me and my daughters...that we can finally put this nightmare behind us.
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