Brokenhearted...

As a native Oklahoman, I am no stranger to the relative horrors Mother Nature sometimes doles out in the spring. I have stood in the hallway with my arms around my terrified children as all but one of the windows in our house was shattered by baseball-sized hail. The sound of tornado sirens--while unnerving--does not send me into a panic. Rather, I do what any good native girl does. I go outside. If the funnel is to my right (that's east, folks), I remain outside. To my left--well, that's a different story. That requires a group huddle in the tub of the hall bath...or ideally, a basement or storm shelter, but I don't have one of those. Most people here don't.

The thing about a tornado is, even if you've grown up here and understand how they work and what to do, when it happens, there's nothing to do but let it come and pray for the best. It's not like a hurricane, where you have a few days' warning and the option to evacuate. The best you get is around ten minutes' lead time, and you prepare, knowing in the back of your mind that there is at least some possibility that your house and everything in it could be lost.

What you DO NOT expect is to see is a suburban city with nearly 60,000 residents virtually obliterated. You DO NOT expect to see not one, but TWO elementary schools leveled, with an unknown number of schoolchildren among the dead. There's nothing you can do but put your arm around your best friend and cry with her and watch it on the news as it barrels toward her house where her two young children are. No matter how many times I've seen it, I will NEVER get used to that part of it...and yet, the city of Moore has done this THREE times in 14 years.

Even as the death toll rises and the horrors unfold, I admire the spirit of this community. Although a million and a half people call the Oklahoma City metropolitan area home, when tragedy strikes, the sense of unity is unmistakable, and I am awestruck every time...I never for a minute intended to be a lifetime Oklahoma resident, but here I am. And today, I am nearly as proud as I am brokenhearted.

Remember me?

The past few weeks--and especially the past week--something incredible has happened...I feel almost like MYSELF. For a long time, I've been living under this terrible fog. Then Tuesday (glorious Tuesday!) came, and it was lifted. I feel like ME. I've laughed. I've joked. I've hung out with girlfriends. I've hung out with guy friends. I've played with my kids. I've made plans...and The Fraud has scarcely crossed my mind the past few days...and that's as it should be. The whole reason I did this was so he would be excised from my life, because he never belonged there in the first place. I just didn't realize how quickly and effectively it would actually work!

I spent the weekend with the two best daughters anyone could ask for. Friday night, Em had a friend sleep over. Saturday, I took the girls to the mall. Saturday night, I got together with a bunch of girlfriends and their kids to watch the game and celebrate Mother's Day, and I had a blast, even though our Thunder lost. Today was wonderful...my girls are incredible, and they are the culmination of everything good in my life. How they managed to get the best of everything in us is truly a mystery, but it happened. They have been so strong through this whole mess, and it hasn't been easy on them. You see, they both really liked him. Having to explain that everything about him was a lie was relatively tough. I spared Chicken as much as I could...but Emily, well...she's 13 and nobody's fool. She was angry, and that's okay. We were ALL taken in by a con man. It wasn't just me he was lying to...that's been rough for them. Especially for her.

The beautiful thing is, we're all out from under the cloud. We're looking forward to the summer...we talked about vacation plans. We went out for Mexican food. (Well, we tried to go for Turkish food, but Simply Falafel was closed for Mother's Day.) We just had fun together...which hasn't happened nearly enough in the past six months. It has me happier and more hopeful than I remember being in a long time. Being their mom is the best thing about me...I'm pretty good at it...just talk to them for a few minutes if you're not sure. ;)

Winner, Winner, Chicken Dinner...

Excuse me. This isn't eloquent, and for that I apologize. To MC...go f*ck yourself. The judge saw through your bullshit. Karma's a bitch, and I'm real sorry....but I've never been happier than today. I was granted a permanent, final no-contact VPO for the state's maximum of 5 years. This is the first time in this judge's history to grant a permanent protective order against a defendant who had not (yet) served time for domestic violence. (Because, let's face it...one day, he will. It's not like he's going to STOP.) But for today, good triumphs over evil, and I am over the moon.

 

And as for you...you should try NOT being such a reprehensible asshole. Try NOT beating up girls half your size. Try being honest about who you really are...with yourself, and with others. At least SEE how it goes. Good luck with your sad existence...I have nothing but pity for you...and far more for any woman who dates you.

On the Ledge...

Tomorrow, I have to face the man who hurt me more than I ever imagined was possible...and I am scared. I'm not scared that something will happen to me in the courtroom...but I am scared of having to relive the awful things he put me through. I have not yet successfully talked about what happened without dissolving into a crying jag that is vaguely reminiscent of Whoopi Goldberg in The Color Purple...and that's just practicing in the mirror. I have no idea how I'll manage it in front of a judge...and the prospect of M's sneering presence turns my stomach.

I don't understand how he can live with the knowledge of what he did to me, and still present himself as the victim...just some guy with a crazy ex, like he did with his last girlfriend to me...does he get a rush from knowing that I'm constantly looking over my shoulder? That I'm scared all the time? That I wrote letters to my daughters in case something happened to me because of HIM? Because of his words. Because of his actions. Because of his threats. Because he stole my confidence and crushed it. Because he took a sick pleasure in pointing out my every flaw, in telling me I wasn't good enough, even as he told me he loved me in the same breath.

The worst part is, he had me believing it. He had me believing THAT was normal. Just count the bruises and wipe up the blood and tell me he loves me and he's sorry he called me those names and said those things. What I really want to know is how did HE get this way? And what gives him the right to play the victim when I finally stand up and say I've had enough? Who taught him that it was okay to systematically tear someone down, piece by piece, until there was nothing left?

Some things, I don't want to understand. This is one of them. Pray for my strength tomorrow. For wisdom and peace for me and my daughters...that we can finally put this nightmare behind us.