WANTED:

One man, aged 30-45 years, preferably above 5'10 in height. Must be gainfully employed--with a regular paycheck--and able to string together an intelligent sentence and hold up roughly one-half of a conversation. Should own a car, have a wicked sense of humor, and be in decent shape. (A six-pack isn't necessary, but you should make some effort, for God's sake. I do.) Must occasionally pick up a book and watch/read the news. Must like children, or at least understand that children exist in actual physical form, and are living, breathing small humans with feelings and ideas. Must be open-minded, honest, and NICE. Nice is imperative. Educated is a plus, but some people are intelligent enough to glean sufficient knowledge from The School of Life. (See gainfully employed, above, for details.) Must be willing to listen when I talk and be able to make a decision. Must have decent manners and tip a minimum of 20%.

Must NOT live with a parent, be chronically underemployed, or think Jackass or Wipeout is quality TV. Must not own an Affliction shirt. Must not constantly quote Will Ferrell, Adam Sandler, or Jim Carrey movies. Must not be so desperate for a relationship that you ask me to stay over and go to church with you the day after meeting me, when you haven't even made it to second base yet. (Because that's pathetic. Really.) Likewise, must not be riddled with committment issues or bitter toward women or relationships. (Just show up. Talk. Have fun. See what happens. We can figure out the details a little later. Is that really so hard?) MUST NOT EVER, under any circumstances, have hit, kicked, or shoved a woman (unless a fast-moving vehicle was bearing down on her), nor screamed obscenities in her face, for I'm not Rihanna and I will not put up with that bullshit. Must not have control issues, because we all know that just boils down to insecurity and poor self esteem and you need to grow up and grow a pair, not find a girlfriend to push around. Must be respectful to your parents, but NOT overly attached to your mother. (You'd better be doing your own cleaning and laundry by this age, unless you're paying someone to do it for you.) Must not lie. (See honesty, above.) Must not think country is the only musical genre. Must not have a Confederate flag depicted in any form anywhere on your vehicle or in your home. Must not live like a f***ing pig. (I don't need to be able to perform brain surgery on your floors, but I should be able to see them.) Must not be intimidated by a smart girl who speaks her mind and is somewhat fond of her independence. (Meaning I have no interest in sharing my bathroom with someone anytime soon. I want that second sink to STAY spotless for awhile.) Must not pout. Ever. Because you just look ridiculous.

In return, you get a sweet, cute thirtysomething girl with dark hair and blue eyes and (obviously) a wicked sense of humor, in reasonably good shape (see above), complete with all original parts. (Wait. I guess that's not entirely true...but I'll explain later.) I'm an excellent mother--okay, I'm a pretty good mother who loves her kids--and I love to cook, even though occasionally my experiments are a disaster. I like loud indie rock bands, books, wine, college football, NBA, and good movies. I like to be treated like a lady, not a possession. I don't care if you want to go hang out with the guys, as long as you let me know what's up. I have a few other skills, but not many people know about them, and you have to be willing to take some time to get to know me--really well--if you ever want to find out what they are. I'll dress up when you take me out, but I'm just as happy hanging out on the couch and watching a movie. I'm far from perfect--I probably swear a little too often, I have a few trust issues, and I get pissy sometimes, but I'm loyal and I have a good heart. Oh, and I'm way too tall and awkward to dance, unless it's a slow song. So if you're looking to spend every other weekend at some club in Bricktown, you'd best just move along. You can find me at a dive bar with good live music.

Interested parties meeting the aforementioned criteria (and Nick Collison) may inquire within. Please note a probationary period will be required for all serious applicants. (Except for Nick Collison.)