Understanding the Post-Breakup Reassimilation Process

It's been more than 8 months since I made the decision to get a divorce. While it hasn't been all unicorns and rainbows, I've done alright. I've also discovered there is a natural system in place when it comes to getting back in the proverbial saddle, and if you follow it, your chances of successful reassimilation are far more likely...deviation is strongly discouraged. There are THREE mandatory Reassimilation Phases that MUST be completed before considering monogamy again, plus an optional fourth phase for the SERIOUSLY self-destructive. They are as follows:

1. The Rebound: This term is usually reserved for the first person you sleep with* (who ISN'T a one-nighter) after a divorce or the end of a long-term relationship. Particularly impressionable individuals will convince themselves that they are in love with this person, and then all hell will break loose...for all of you REALLY codependent morons (you know who you are), you may enter into a serious relationship or even marry this person. This relationship will end badly. I promise. The advice I was given--both by friends who have been there and by a qualified therapist--is to steer clear of serious relationships and major decisions for at LEAST one year post-breakup. This seems like sound advice, because while I get better every day, I'm still not 100% over the hurt and anxiety I felt as things finally crumbled. (On the other hand, I have the half-assed girlfriend routine down to a science at this point. See below.)

*In a handful of cases, you will not sleep with your rebound, but the two of you will make out like there's no tomorrow, and you will feel attached to him/her. It's still a rebound. There is NO loophole.

2. The Angry Recluse (Optional): This optional phase may occur at the conclusion of your Rebound Relationship, depending on just HOW badly that ended, or in between Half-Assed Relationships...not all people will experience it, but this period may involve any combination of the following:

• heavy drinking
• depression
• crying
• cake-throwing
• swearing and/or name-calling
• careless one night stands
• hooking up with an ex
• binge eating

This phase, if experienced, may last anywhere from a few days to months on end, depending on just how bitter and angry you are...please note that some of this anger is probably residual from your marriage/former relationship, not just from the immediately preceding breakup. Relapses are common.

3. The Dating Whore: During this period, you will go out with almost anyone who asks. (Or, if you're a guy, you will ask everyone who shows the slightest bit of interest in you...or who looks in your general direction, even if there's a giant TV behind your head.) This process will be of benefit in a number of ways. First and foremost, it will allow you an opportunity to learn The Rules, which do not remotely resemble the rules that were in place the last time you dated. In addition, you will learn valuable communication skills, such as How to Blow Someone Off. For some, it will be a crash course in Conversation 101, particularly if you had reached a point in your relationship in which you seldom spoke or engaged only in small talk. Enjoy this phase. Drag it out for awhile. It won't hurt anything, and you'll only get a better idea of what you're really looking for. I would, however, refrain from sleeping around at this point, as you are most likely to catch something icky during this period than any other.

4. The Half-Assed Girlfriend/Boyfriend: After you have successfully (?) completed The Rebound and The Dating Whore stages, you will arrive here. At some point during your Dating Whore adventures, you will meet someone that you genuinely like, and want to hang out with all the time...okay, no, more like some of the time...as long as they don't cramp your style too much. You will probably not pledge this person your undying love and devotion, but you may care about him/her very much. You might even think about the possibility of a future with him/her. While the odds of your half-assed relationship having actual staying power are somewhat limited, this is a healthy step in the recovery process, as you are allowing yourself to at least think about the possibility of commitment again. In many cases, two people who are in this phase at the same time can have a successful half-assed relationship almost indefinitely. You may have two or three of these before you move on to an actual relationship. Casual dating outside of your half-assed relationship is permissible in most cases. Again, do what feels right to you..I have been pretty happy in this stage, and am considering setting up camp here for the forseeable future...

5. The Actual Girlfriend/Boyfriend: Congratulations! You have completed the necessary Rebound, Dating Whore, and Half-Assed Relationship phases, and may now proceed with monogamy, provided it has been at least one year since your breakup. If you are attempting to convert a Half-Assed Boyfriend/Girlfriend to the Real Thing, please be wary of the Wandering Eye, as it is far more likely to occur in these situations. If you are STILL stubbornly trying to convert your Rebound Relationship into an actual relationship, well--you're kind of an idiot...but hell, you're not going to listen to me, so good luck with that. Finally, remember to proceed with caution...don't go planning a wedding or moving in together or getting yourself knocked up. Give it a good 6 months to a year and see where you are. Enjoy!