Single is Not a Disease State...

It's fall...fall is good, filled with all the things I enjoy most. Football. Cooler weather. Fireplaces. Football. Soup Sundays. Standard Time. Football. Sweaters. Boots. Football. Parties. Holidays...you get the idea. But here's the concept that continues to elude a handful of people...single people are just as entitled to the joys of the season--any season--as standard nuclear families. Or nontraditional nuclear families. Or people in serious relationships. Or anyone. Really.

I know...it seems like a no-brianer, one that was established by the likes of Bridget Jones and Carrie Bradshaw some 20 years ago, among others. But strange as it may seem, there are still some who look at my family of three--me and my girls--and see something that's incomplete. I can assure you, it's not. There are people who look at me and somehow see me as less of a person because I'm single. (Actually, I'm not single, exactly, but we'll get to that.) I'm not. There are a few people reading this right now who are inwardly (or outwardly, whatever) rolling their eyes, thinking that I'm only saying that because I don't have anyone, and if I did, I would change my tune. To them, I would say this: Just because my family and my relationship doesn't look like yours doesn't mean I'm sitting around wishing I had what you had. In fact, most of the time, the opposite is true, at least for the time being.

Just in case there's any confusion, let me tell you about my family. Of course, there's me. My girls. They're amazing, and they are, without question, my biggest accomplishment. Not my only one...they're actually one of many. But they are the biggest, hands-down. And while we get top billing in this little sitcom, the supporting cast is also stellar...I just don't live with them. My parents. My brother. Beth. Chelsea. Ashley. April. Adrienne. Amanda. Derek and Chad. Deanna an Ian. Lisa. Krystal. Sarah and Rob and Syd. Adam. And The Boy. There are others...the list is long and each person brings something important. Does my family look like yours? Nope. Is it perfect? No. And I wouldn't trade them for anything, either. Not even for a 2-carat diamond and a 4-bedroom, 3 bath house on an acre in town. Not that there's anything wrong with that. At ALL...but my family counts and is every bit as legit.

Single is relative. I don't consider myself single. I'm pretty sure L doesn't see it that way. I'm just not clamoring for a proposal or wanting to shack up anytime soon...I don't know when or if I will reach that point...with anyone. It isn't that I don't adore him. I'm just happy having my own house and my own things and my free time to spend however I want to spend it. One day, when it's right, I'm sure I'll be willing to give it up...but that's not now.

For now, I like things the way they are, and so do the girls. No one should feel sorry for me or assume I'm incomplete or unhappy being--sort of--on my own. And no one should overlook my holiday plans and assume they're unimportant, or that it's less of a Thanksgiving with only the three of us. That little Thanksgiving lunch matters to us, just as much as any family affair with a dozen people. This is our family, and it's pretty perfect the way it is. :)

Wisdom and Shannanigans...

So, it came to my attention the other night when the rest of you were sleeping that apparently both my first AND middle name mean "wise." My first name, of course, is Irish, and means "little wise owl." My daughter's discovery of this fact a couple of years ago led to her owl obsession, which I have adopted as well, because it's cute and so is she. My middle name is German and means "wise protector." So it would seem as though someone was trying to stack the deck...my initial thought was that someone must be fairly disappointed. However, upon further consideration, I concluded that most of the time wisdom takes the form of lessons learned. We're just going to assume that's the case for me...after all, I have learned my share...most of them the hard way. Also, props to L. When I relayed this discovery to him, along with my suspicion that my parents were perhaps attempting to fix the outcome in my favor, he (wisely) responded "Well, it seems to have worked." Well played...

 

I also feel it is my responsibility to impart some of my wisdom on the masses. (And by masses, I mean the couple of dozen of you that read my blog.) Mostly, I figure it will be good for laughs. But who knows...you might find a nugget or two that is pure gold. And to that end, I offer the following bits of general wisdom and advice:

 

25) Birth control makes most girls a little crazy...babies make you crazier.

 

24) When you are en route to your ex-boyfriend's house and discover the exit to his place has been removed permanently by the city planning commission, take it as a sign and just go home.

 

23) When your cycle synchronizes with your teenage daughter's, consider a weeklong vow of silence in each other's presence. If you have the misfortune of living in the same house as the afflicted mother and daughter, keep to yourself and don't look them in the eye.

 

22) If you are going to be drinking, go ahead and surrender your phone along with your keys. It's better for everyone.

 

21) Always leave before the party ends. (This one applies to any number of situations in life, such as relationships and jobs...but not concerts or ballgames)

 

20) Guys, never tell your girlfriend that she sounds like or reminds you of your mother...especially if she is several years older than you. I guarantee this will end badly.

 

19) It's okay to let your people take care of you in the little ways, as long as you can take care of yourself in the big ways.

 

18) That guy who was an asshole to you last year who just started calling you again? He's still an asshole. I promise....

 

17) Regardless of your problem, The Beatles probably have a song that can solve it.

 

16) Gray roots can be temporarily covered with the right mascara. (This trick is especially important if your boyfriend is several years younger than you.)

 

15) A guy generally decides whether or not he would like to sleep with you the very day he meets you. (In most cases, within 10 minutes, according to The Boy.) The longer you wait, the more likely it is that he likes you for who you are rather than what you look like.

 

14) Don't feel bad if Jon Stewart is your primary news source. He's far more sensible than ANYONE on Fox and most (if not all) of the talking heads on CNN and the Big 3. Furthermore, he'll probably force you to think for yourself and form your own opinion. You could do worse.

 

13) Have good friends of both genders. Sometimes you need the other perspective.

 

12) Go easy on people who just don't get it. They can't help that they've never walked in your shoes.

 

11) "Best friend" isn't a person, it's a tier. (Okay, okay...credit for this one actually goes to Mindy Kaling. But it's totally true.)

 

10) Any pictures you send in a text message or an email should be considered a part of your permanent public record. Just think about it....

 

9) Yes. That Corvette IS totally douchey, and we ARE judging you, perhaps unfairly...the same goes for the ridiculously oversized truck, unless you are a farmer or a contractor.

 

8) When you fracture your ankle, it's a good idea to listen to what your doctor and your physical therapist say...or you really COULD end up with chronic pain and swelling. :-/

7) Sometimes pretty girls will hate other pretty girls for no reason whatsoever. Although this isn't right by any means, it IS normal.

6) Always show them who you really are from the start.

5) Sometimes you will go off the rails a little. Be careful who sees you...your real friends won't judge. The others will not only judge, they may get together and discuss your crazy spell over a bottle of wine and a cheese platter...or beer and pizza, depending on the crowd.

4) It's okay not to fit into the box that is "normal" for your environment. The worst thing you can do is try to squeeze yourself into it.

3) New shoes can make almost anything better.

2) Sometimes the apple lands close to the tree. Sometimes it rolls a little. Sometimes it inexplicably ends up in an entirely different orchard. But it's still your tree.

1) The ones who hang in with you during your darkest hour are your family, whether or not you share DNA.

That's it, kids...I hope you weren't expecting anything too profound. But it's Friday night, and I'm home baking cookies and writing, with no plans to speak of and totally content to wait for the storms to roll in with my dog. L is coaching volleyball tonight and will probably call to check in with me on his way home. The girls are at their dad's. My friends are scattered about doing Friday night things with their dates or husbands or other friends. And I am happier than I've been in a decade, by myself, but not...so maybe there is some wisdom to be found here after all. ;)

The United Shame Spiral of America

I admit, I'm not a Crimson Tide fan, but I have to hand it to researchers at the University of Alabama...you guys clearly have a shit-ton of spare time on your hands. This is just the sort of research project that would fascinate me if I had hours upon hours to spend on it...it seems they deemed it important to compile a list of the most shameful statistical facts for each state. (Mississipi really got screwed.) For example, Oklahoma "won" the honors of having the highest rate of female incarceration in the country. Way to go Sooner State...which, I'll remind you again, our state nickname means "the cheater's state." Is it any wonder? Oh, and we also tied for highest number of strokes with 'Bama. Because THAT'S a shocker...next time you go out to eat, look at what's on the plates of the people nearby. Go to any grocery store other than Whole Foods or Sprouts and look in the carts around you. We Okies like our food deep fried and heavily processed. We also still like to smoke. I mean, Eischen's is like a mecca for some people...or at least it used to be. Can you still smoke in there?

Alaska isn't hard to understand with their highest suicide rate...I'm guessing if you dig a little deeper, you'll find that they have the lowest Vitamin D rates in the winter, too. Seriously, that Seasonal Affective Disorder sounds made up, but it isn't. Chin up, Alaska. We still love you.

Also not surprisingly, Utah has the highest rate of online porn subscriptions. At least they get real beer. (Hey, 'Bama, Oklahoma has another fun distinction...the stupidest set of Blue Laws in the country, including watered down beer.) Also, Louisiana wins the honor of having the highest rate of gonorrhea in the country...I think you guys can thank New Orleans for that one.

There were a few surprises...at least to me. What the hell is going on in Rhode Island, for example, and why do they have the highest rate of illicit drug use? And why are 4% of Colorado residents snorting blow? Why does Wisconsin have the highest rate of binge drinkers? Hmmmm....

A good Oklahoma girl (who has never seen the inside of a jail cell, thank you) would be remiss not to point out that Texas has the lowest rate of high school graduation in the nation. (For the love, would it really hurt to let them secede? I think I'd like to watch them try to fend for themselves. We could make it into a big reality show...like The Hunger Games.) And before you guys go getting all offended, of course I know plenty of intelligent people who live in Texas...but really. The secession thing has gone far enough. No one's particularly interested anymore.

And then, of course, we have Mississippi...wow. Let me say, y'all have really outdone yourselves. Mississippi bears the distinction of having the highest rates of obesity, infant mortality, child poverty, and STD's, as well as the highest teen birth rate and the lowest median household income. Seriously, guys? There HAS to be something else to do in the state of Mississippi besides eat and screw...not that I don't enjoy those activities myself, but come on, already! If you guys don't shape up, we're going to give you to Texas.

So there you have it, everyone...just in case you weren't sure what you should be ashamed of, the folks at 'Bama have kindly put together a list of cringe-worthy statistical distinctions for all to enjoy and stereotype accordingly. If you ask me, they missed a few things, but hey. No one asked. (Sweet Brown...I'm just saying.)

http://kfor.com/2013/09/26/united-states-of-shame-most-screwed-up-thing-in-each-of-50-states/

NO, really....

Okay...apparently lately I've strayed away from the funny a little too much...because even when I post something good, people call me in alarm, asking me what's up. Guys, seriously...nothing is up! I'm just really happy...

I have the two best daughters anyone could ask for. Emily is doing well in 8th grade, is starting to overcome her Angsty Dramatic Phase. She has a nice boyfriend and good friends. She makes good grades, and is starting to think for herself and question the universe. She rolls her eyes a little less. All of these things are good. Sara is in 4th grade. She still thinks I'm the coolest thing ever...or at least one of them. She has the sweetest, purest heart for those whom she loves...and looks suspiciously at pretty much everyone else. She relishes her role as baby of the family...to the point that she swears she's going to live with me forever. (Though I'm sure she'll let her dad share in that joy.)

I've got some pretty cool friends...my dear friend Nancy is getting married this Friday, and I'm so excited for her and Rocco! I also had a blast at Gentlemen of the Road in Guthrie a couple weeks ago with April, Derek, and Chad...hey, did you know there are railroad police? Something we learned...when I guess we kinda got pulled over? But walking? We ended up chatting them up and having our picture made with them, so there was no railroad jail for us. And when I ran into MC and he briefly thought the VPO meant he could still come up and say hi, I did not cry or even acknowledge him. April blocked me from his view as best she could, I put my head down, and we found a more appealing place to grab a drink. Also ran into The Nurse, which was fine and not especially upsetting or weird. We talked for a few minutes. I *may* have mentioned out loud that I thought he was kind of an asshole. Which he *may* have agreed with. Then I told him it was nice seeing him and took off back to my people. It was a pretty great weekend, even if it turned in to Ex-boyfriendpalooza. Now that football is underway, and I've gotten to hang out with all of my Norman friends and my Dallas family...and now that we finally have an away game, I can host gameday at my house for Sarah and Rob and Syd. Shana and Blaine are getting ready to relocate to the Big Easy with their sweet girls, and even invited us to visit when they're settled. Ashley is buried in grad school, Beth in her doctoral program, and Krystal in dental school, but we manage to carve out a little time here and there. And now that fall is setting in, Cooking Adventures with the Norris clan will soon resume! I'm excited!

There's someone else who's been getting a fair portion of my time these past six months, too...he's good to me. He shows up within 10 minutes and breaks into my car when I lock the keys in during the middle of the day. He fixes my cable when the dog chews through the wires without my even asking. He helps me when I break an ankle...and probably whatever else I happen to break, though I don't care to test that theory. He's patient and listens to me when I argue with him, and never holds it against me or makes me feel bad about how I feel, which is great. I'm sure he DOES get angry...I've heard stories...but so far I haven't seen it. Oh, and he's cute as hell. But mostly, he just makes me happy and I feel safe and have fun with him. It took awhile and he was patient with me those first few months after MC. He's kind of a tough nut to crack, too. Oddly enough, I met him in part because of my blog. Well, that and my good friend Jae...whom I've thanked more than once for introducing us. I don't know. We'll see what happens. But I like him a lot and I care about him a little more every day...and I'm pretty sure he feels the same way. No one is in a hurry.

So really...when I say something good happened, it's okay to believe it. I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be right now, and I feel like I'm on a road I want to be on...and I'm with the people who should be on it with me. I still don't exactly know the destination, but that's okay. I imagine between the lot of us, we'll figure something out...or at least open a bottle of wine and enjoy the trip. <3 <3

Sisters...and Some Sentimentality...

Some people are born with sisters. I gave birth to a pair of them myself, and I'm always telling them how lucky they are, that "your sister is the best friend that God chose for you"....and I believe that, even though it sounds like a load of crap your mother would feed you. So when my ever-inquisitive Sara was asking me the other day if I was sad not to have a sister of my own, I said no without hesitation...and I explained that there are also sisters that God brings to you. I am blessed beyond measure to have FIVE such soul sisters...and I'd like to tell you about them.

Bethie is pretty legit. I may not have grown up with her, but she is every bit as much my sister as if I had, and for a time, she even bore that legal distinction. She was there when my eldest daughter was born. When she and my brother divorced after spending nearly a decade together, she retained unofficial custody of me and my girls, and she has been a constant blessing to us all. It's funny, because people often think we are sisters in the traditional sense, and are always telling us how much we look alike. (Lots of people have dark brown hair, folks. We don't all look alike...but she's gorgeous, so I'll take it, even if it's inaccurate.) She is probably my closest confidante and she has never EVER judged me for anything I've said or done...and trust me, there is plenty of shit I'm NOT proud of...nor have I ever judged her. In so many ways, our recent histories closely parallel one another. That's the thing about Beth...she just GETS it. She's been there and she knows and she loves me, come what may, no questions asked.

Ashley also came to me by way of a break-up...I met her years ago as the new and extremely badass girlfriend of my buddy, Clayton. After a couple of years, she and Clayton imploded, and frankly, I think she was shocked when I called to ask how she was doing. She automatically assumed custody would revert back to Clayton, since I was friends with him first...but in all honesty...I sort of thought he was a jerk to her. So for awhile, I was her sounding board, and we became friends in our own right. She also has never imposed an ounce of judgment on any of my bad decisions...never made me feel bad for going back to The Nurse over and over, and always listened when he broke me, every time. She just helped me put myself back together. Then came Michael...no one had my back quite the way she did. She may have even saved my life, and has never made me feel stupid for any of my choices...even the clearly stupid ones. You don't find that every day.

Adrienne and I essentially grew up together. We met back in the stone age, schlepping overpriced enchiladas for an obscenely small paycheck and drinking cheap beer together on the weekends with our then-boyfriends, who eventually became our husbands. Fast forward nearly 20 years, and between us we've racked up three marriages, three divorces, three children, a string of dating disasters, and a hell of a lot of good stories. We talk almost every day, and I can always count on her for no-holds-barred opinions and advice, because I know she'll still see me as the same girl at the end of the day...older and (hopefully) wiser, but essentially the same girl who could hit the glass every time playing quarters.

Deanna is perhaps my biggest inspiration. She's been through many of the same things I have...she's been through a lot worse than I have in SO many ways...and she found herself along the way, and came out stronger, happier, better, and more beautiful in every possible way. She talks straight. She gives advice when she can, usually based on her own experiences. And when I screw up, she still gives me her love and respect...and that means so much, because she's one of the strongest women I know. She pursues her dreams relentlessly and is 100% true to herself along the way and I love her for it.

Last, but by no means least, there is April. How we met sounds like really bad fiction, as she pretty much hated me on sight...which is a story for another day. Or maybe it's the premise of a great novel...I'm not sure. But while I was understandably wary of her, I could also clearly see that she was one of the most witty, spirited, and intelligent people I had ever encountered. As the frost melted away, and I saw her for who she is, I was even more impressed...not only does she keep me in stitches, she is fun and incredibly loyal, and the best Plus One a girl could ask for. She's not afraid to tell me when I'm being an asshole, and those moments of assholiness don't change her overall opinion of me...which is probably why I value her opinion so much. (Plus, she comes with a seriously cool sister of her own, and who doesn't love a package deal?) I can't even imagine my life without her in it anymore...which is crazy, considering that 12 months ago, she thought I was Satan's mistress. (Actually, wait....I kind of was for awhile...)

 And so, to my beautiful youngest daughter....you are SO lucky to have a sister for life. I was thrilled to have two daughters, because I wanted you both to have that. But I can honestly say, the family you make for yourself and the sisters that the universe puts in your path are every bit as special. You may find them in unexpected places...they may be completely different from you—and from each other—but you'll recognize them by the unconditional love they give you. (Also, if you ever need to hide a body, you can totally call one of them.)

**Obviously, these are not my only friends. I am a lucky, lucky girl with a lot of great people in my life, and everybody brings something amazing to the table, and I in no way want to discount that...and many of them I am also incredibly close to. But there are some things in life that are constant and essentially unchanging, which is the point I was trying to make to my Chicken, and why these five, in particular, came up. Blood or no blood, a sister always has your back, never judges you, and loves you when you make an ass of yourself. These are mine. :)

Sometimes, it's how you get through the day....

http://open.spotify.com/track/2R6Jx4Hd30WrFSsBwfGpDY

Why Online Dating is a Bad Idea...vol. 1

Let me start by saying that while I may have dipped my toe into the slimy brown murk that is the online dating pool back in the early days after my divorce, I haven't gone there in a very long time, and for good reason...you see, I learned a few things during my brief but horrifying tenure on match.com: people are.....well.....they're just ridiculous.

Take this guy:

First, many thanks to my dear friend A for providing this picture from her pof inbox...now, let's discuss. Since when is Gym Shorts Wood (appropriately, GSW) something one wants to advertise? Not only to advertise, but to broadcast to a wide audience of total strangers via your pof profile? Classy. What self-respecting girl isn't going to jump all over THAT?? I mean, okay, maybe you're just dumpster diving for a Miley Cyrus type to hook up with...but GSW in your profile picture?! As if a shirtless profile picture isn't douchey enough, this asshole has to up the ante with a f***ing photo collage of his finest asshattery?

I understand that intimacy in the age of digital media is sort of a joke...people meet online, text for awhile, exchange pictures, and then meet for dinner...riiiiiiiight. At least there's something "real" about meeting someone in a bar. I'll take that any day...but to post a picture of your d*** in your online dating profile, right next to, "hi, my name is....??" I know for a fact there are a few nice girls on there...intelligent, beautiful, nice girls even...girls who might even want to know something about you as a person...not just as the owner of GSW. To these girls, you are a joke. A caricature. Obviously...after all, it was one of those girls who provided your photo as afternoon fodder, and we've been laughing at you since...and in fact, that utter ridiculousness is what landed you here.

After Miley's "performance" at the VMAs I wanted to scream. I'm thankful my daughters do not look up to her, but it is clearly not only girls that are lacking in self-respect. What kills me is this is the shit that awaits them in the dating world. Guys, resist the urge to post your GSW online. At least save it for a text message AFTER you've established some sort of rapport...it's the classy thing to do.

Who Says You Can't Go Home Again?

No one....but the new place just didn't feel quite right. I never settled in like I hoped. I didn't quite adjust to the new digs. And so here I am, in the middle of the night during a thunderstorm, back on familiar ground.

I've had an eventful summer, to say the least. I learned to shoot a rifle...or 3...and a handgun...or 5...I spent the 4th of July in Washington DC with one of my favorites and met some wonderful people. I let an old flame be rekindled in the spring...then snuffed it out immediately when I remembered how being with him was sometimes just as awful as it was wonderful...even though there will always be a part of me that loves him in a way. (And for god's sake, please don't think it was THAT old flame. As far as I'm concerned, he doesn't--or shouldn't--exist.) I also realized what a good thing I had going with someone else...someone who was still fairly new...and just like that, I knew I didn't want to lose it. So I owe him that...I owe him a lot, really. For as much as I've complained about N over the past 2 years, I've learned far more from him. He's actually pretty great in a lot of ways...and one day, he's going to grow up and be amazing...for someone else.

I started running again...then broke my ankle a couple of weeks ago...just a small fracture, but damn, it hurts. I got to take Emily to the Kings of Leon benefit concert the night before it happened, though. I listened patiently as my excited daughter relayed the account of her first kiss. I had a first kiss of my own, too. Two, actually...I met a wonderful guy in the spring who has absolutely no idea that he's wonderful...and if there's one thing I've learned over the past year, self-doubt can really eat your lunch...

As for Michael, he barely crosses my mind. And that's as it should be...that trash was picked up from my curb long ago.

My puppy keeps getting ever larger...he is 85 pounds at the age of 7 months. That means he's been gaining 10.5 pounds a month since I got him. He outweighs Sara by close to 15 pounds...he's tall enough to eat scraps from the sink and food off the stove if you're not careful...he likes potatoes.

And Sara...oh, my little soul sister.  She told me the other day, "Mommy, I really don't want you to ever get remarried." I was surprised. I explained that although I like having a boyfriend, I also like having my own house and my own life, and I can't imagine living with someone else right now.

She sighed, visibly relieved. "Good. Because I really like living in a house of all girls. I never have to wear pants..."

These are the glory days, folks. This is the good stuff. :-)

Moving Day...

This blog used to be like another home for me...a safe place where I could let my hair down and confide in friends. In recent months, however, it has taken on a different life and become a different place. The neighborhood has changed. Too much has happened here, and it no longer feels like home.

This is bittersweet for me, as I am infinitely grateful for the dozens of supportive emails I have received from all across the country...I am thankful for every reader. I am thankful for every comment, whether it was shared on the blog site or privately in an email, regardless of whether or not you agreed with what I had to say. Also, I am proud of this little blog...I've come a long way from the girl who once refused to let anyone read a single word she had written. I found my voice here. I worked through a few problems and made a few people laugh. While I have absolutely no regrets about anything I've shared, after much consideration, I have decided to move to a new home. Sometimes, the best thing you can do in life is start fresh...and since physically relocating to the mountains in Colorado is not an option for me right now, I'm going to start by giving my voice a new home.

For the time being, I have decided NOT to share the link to my new blog publicly...if you wish to continue following me--and I hope you do--please email me at seeksdecember@gmail.com and I will be happy to send you a link. I have no plans to take this site down, just as you don't burn down the house because you're moving. You just pack up your things and leave it behind. See you soon.

First Date

I just sent my eigth-grader off on her first date....her boyfriend is a gangly, dark-haired, freckled boy named Richard. (Yes. His name is actually Richard. And he's also 13.) She was just picked up by Richard and his parents, to be dropped off at Kickingbird Theater for the next two hours and forty-two minutes, because I'm nice enough to allow for preview time. This is nerve-wracking on dozens of different levels and for several reasons...not the least of which is because I remember this exact scenario all too vividly.

Still, I think when we look back on this day, what will best be remembered are the introductions.  I didn't hear the bell, and Emily answered the door to find Richard and his father standing on the front porch. Sara comes running into my room. "He's heeeeeeere!" she whispers at regular volume. I head down the hall to find Emily standing shyly in the entry way, the front door open, and Richard and his father on my front walk.

"Hi, I'm Shannon," I say, shaking hands with The Boy's father. I am knocked slightly aside as Roger, our 6-month-old, 70-something pound puppy, barrels out the front door.

"Oh, shit!" Emily blurts, taking off after the dog.

Can you feel that awkward silence?

I smile at The Boy and his stunned father. She's SO mine.

Insomnia Chronicles Part I

So, it seems sleeping is something I've given up again for the time being...and I guess that's okay. I admit there's a lot on my mind. For example, my daughter is going on her first date this weekend...if that isn't worthy of a little sleep deprivation, what is? Did I mention that her boyfriend's name is Richard? And that he asked for her phone number because they were both wearing deadmau5 shirts? Shit, this kid doesn't stand a chance with me....

She's very cute in her happy bubble. Tonight, she started giggling because of a sweet text he sent. Don't worry, I'm not going to burst it. I'm not going to tell her that it gets a lot more complicated the older you get. The thing is, it's also every bit as wonderful when you meet someone and you click, no matter how old you are. It doesn't matter that you both have a few quirks. It doesn't matter if there's baggage. What matters is that you see something wonderful in someone and you want to be around them so you can find out more. Maybe that starts with a deadmau5 t-shirt. Maybe it's something else...but whatever it is, I hope she doesn't ignore a spark just because she's scared or because it maybe isn't perfect on the surface. I've done that more times than I can count, and you know what? You always wonder. But at the end of the day,  it isn't about everything being perfect...it's about finding someone who still wants to stick around when they know you're NOT...and wanting them with you in spite of the mess. Now THAT'S a beautiful dream.

If only I could sleep....

Eccelsiastes 3

So I've learned more than a FEW hard lessons the past year...and one of the biggest ones I've been struggling with--and for the longest time--is letting go of friendships that have run their course. It's silly, I know. When you love someone so much, and have shared so much with them, of course you want to hang onto a relationship...but here's the thing: hanging onto a friend or a relationship when there isn't really anything to hang onto has to be one of life's most demeaning, soul-crushing experiences. It's been worse than most of the breakups I've had. It IS a breakup...a harder one, in many ways, because there are so many things you love and miss, and you have to accept that they simply don't feel the same way about you or value your friendship the way you do theirs.

It happens for any number of reasons...in my case, it started with the divorce. With most of my married friends, not much changed. They asked me about my dating life, and went out of their way to make me feel included for parties and activities, whether I was seeing someone or not. When I had a breakup or a shitty date, they listened...sometimes offered advice, but never judged, whether I took the advice or not.

And then, there was the other group...and the one I've spent a LOT of money on therapy trying to understand, convinced that I'd somehow failed. It's especially hard, because it was once the single most important non-familial friendship I had...and now, I'm pretty sure if I never text her again, then I may have already spoken to her for the last time. I'm just no longer on her radar and don't fit into her life. How did I get to this point? Where did I go so wrong? I've asked myself--and my therapist--these questions over and over for more than six months.

While most of my friends have made an effort to keep up with me, there are a few that have retreated further away...and it took me awhile to realize that's a reflection of THEM. Not me. When you spend a rare evening with several of them, and realize that not one time did ANYONE ask anything about you, outside of the initial greeting, that's also a reflection on them. When they spend the entire evening talking about things they've done together that you weren't a part of...well, that's just rude...but it's certainly not a reflection of ME. It took $700 in counselor's fees and some wise words from good friends to fully understand that.

Friends come into your life for a reason. Sometimes it's long-term. Occasionally, it's for life. But friends leave your life for a reason, too. And hanging onto one that doesn't want to be there only makes you feel insignificant. Instead, focus on the ones that bring something wonderful to your life--not someone who makes you feel ashamed or unworthy. It's easy to let the one overshadow the others...but don't make that mistake, like I did. Accept that the season has passed...and by all means, go ahead and keep loving them. Keep rooting for them, and keep praying for them, because I promise, they need it. Celebrate the wonderful things about them, not the things that they did or said that made you feel like shit. Chances are, those are the result of their own insecurities, anyway. (Remember, no one has any right to look down on you.) And when you have sent them your very best full-power Care Bear Stare, don't feel bad about turning your attention to the people that actually make you feel loved.

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