So, it came to my attention the other night when the rest of you were sleeping that apparently both my first AND middle name mean "wise." My first name, of course, is Irish, and means "little wise owl." My daughter's discovery of this fact a couple of years ago led to her owl obsession, which I have adopted as well, because it's cute and so is she. My middle name is German and means "wise protector." So it would seem as though someone was trying to stack the deck...my initial thought was that someone must be fairly disappointed. However, upon further consideration, I concluded that most of the time wisdom takes the form of lessons learned. We're just going to assume that's the case for me...after all, I have learned my share...most of them the hard way. Also, props to L. When I relayed this discovery to him, along with my suspicion that my parents were perhaps attempting to fix the outcome in my favor, he (wisely) responded "Well, it seems to have worked." Well played...
I also feel it is my responsibility to impart some of my wisdom on the masses. (And by masses, I mean the couple of dozen of you that read my blog.) Mostly, I figure it will be good for laughs. But who knows...you might find a nugget or two that is pure gold. And to that end, I offer the following bits of general wisdom and advice:
25) Birth control makes most girls a little crazy...babies make you crazier.
24) When you are en route to your ex-boyfriend's house and discover the exit to his place has been removed permanently by the city planning commission, take it as a sign and just go home.
23) When your cycle synchronizes with your teenage daughter's, consider a weeklong vow of silence in each other's presence. If you have the misfortune of living in the same house as the afflicted mother and daughter, keep to yourself and don't look them in the eye.
22) If you are going to be drinking, go ahead and surrender your phone along with your keys. It's better for everyone.
21) Always leave before the party ends. (This one applies to any number of situations in life, such as relationships and jobs...but not concerts or ballgames)
20) Guys, never tell your girlfriend that she sounds like or reminds you of your mother...especially if she is several years older than you. I guarantee this will end badly.
19) It's okay to let your people take care of you in the little ways, as long as you can take care of yourself in the big ways.
18) That guy who was an asshole to you last year who just started calling you again? He's still an asshole. I promise....
17) Regardless of your problem, The Beatles probably have a song that can solve it.
16) Gray roots can be temporarily covered with the right mascara. (This trick is especially important if your boyfriend is several years younger than you.)
15) A guy generally decides whether or not he would like to sleep with you the very day he meets you. (In most cases, within 10 minutes, according to The Boy.) The longer you wait, the more likely it is that he likes you for who you are rather than what you look like.
14) Don't feel bad if Jon Stewart is your primary news source. He's far more sensible than ANYONE on Fox and most (if not all) of the talking heads on CNN and the Big 3. Furthermore, he'll probably force you to think for yourself and form your own opinion. You could do worse.
13) Have good friends of both genders. Sometimes you need the other perspective.
12) Go easy on people who just don't get it. They can't help that they've never walked in your shoes.
11) "Best friend" isn't a person, it's a tier. (Okay, okay...credit for this one actually goes to Mindy Kaling. But it's totally true.)
10) Any pictures you send in a text message or an email should be considered a part of your permanent public record. Just think about it....
9) Yes. That Corvette IS totally douchey, and we ARE judging you, perhaps unfairly...the same goes for the ridiculously oversized truck, unless you are a farmer or a contractor.
8) When you fracture your ankle, it's a good idea to listen to what your doctor and your physical therapist say...or you really COULD end up with chronic pain and swelling. :-/
7) Sometimes pretty girls will hate other pretty girls for no reason whatsoever. Although this isn't right by any means, it IS normal.
6) Always show them who you really are from the start.
5) Sometimes you will go off the rails a little. Be careful who sees you...your real friends won't judge. The others will not only judge, they may get together and discuss your crazy spell over a bottle of wine and a cheese platter...or beer and pizza, depending on the crowd.
4) It's okay not to fit into the box that is "normal" for your environment. The worst thing you can do is try to squeeze yourself into it.
3) New shoes can make almost anything better.
2) Sometimes the apple lands close to the tree. Sometimes it rolls a little. Sometimes it inexplicably ends up in an entirely different orchard. But it's still your tree.
1) The ones who hang in with you during your darkest hour are your family, whether or not you share DNA.
That's it, kids...I hope you weren't expecting anything too profound. But it's Friday night, and I'm home baking cookies and writing, with no plans to speak of and totally content to wait for the storms to roll in with my dog. L is coaching volleyball tonight and will probably call to check in with me on his way home. The girls are at their dad's. My friends are scattered about doing Friday night things with their dates or husbands or other friends. And I am happier than I've been in a decade, by myself, but not...so maybe there is some wisdom to be found here after all. ;)
