Love and The Help...

Spent this evening at home with my sweet girls, curled up on the couch watching The Help...its effect is still surprisingly profound, even though I read the book well over a year ago and saw the movie in the theater. The girls love it, too...by its conclusion, all three of us had cried a couple of times, Emily had downloaded the novel onto her Kindle and quietly begun reading, and Sara had adopted a Deep South accent, started calling me Mama, and developed a keen interest in the Civil Rights movement...she simply couldn't understand why anyone would treat someone differently just because they looked different or lived in a house that wasn't as nice. The notion is completely and wonderfully foreign to her...which seems to be a good indication that her dad and I have done a few things right. When Sara told me I reminded her a little of Skeeter, the single, independent writer who spearheaded the project, I was secretly thrilled.

If there's one thing I've really figured out in the past couple of years, it's that everybody deserves to have someone who is on their side...someone who believes in them and roots for them no matter how they mess up or who they hurt, or how bleak things seem. Skeeter knew that. I've learned it the hard way...and it doesn't always work out the way you hope...but I'm still trying to teach my kids that lesson, too. It's one thing to get pissed off when people are treated badly in a movie. It's another thing to put yourself out there for someone in real life...but nights like these make me think I'm doing a decent job. I've got two amazing kids to prove it. :)

One Hundred Things...

It's no secret that I've been feeling a little blue lately...or maybe most of the last 2 years, I guess, would probably be more accurate. Those major life stressors they taught us about in school when I was getting my silly psychology degree? I've hit most of the big ones...divorce, buying a house, moving, dating...plus the two sorta-pseudo-relationships I've had (as close as I've been willing to get to the real thing, anyway) have been a little disappointing, to say the least. It's no secret I've been struggling...when your nurse practitioner walks in for your six month thyroid check and takes one look at you, sits down, and says, "Honey, you have to eat and sleep," you know you're about to get in trouble...I did what I could...saw a counselor until I could no longer afford it, spent time with my friends, loved on my girls..and it's helped. I'm getting there...I still have doubts about myself. I struggle with anxiety and anger sometimes, and I tend to turn it on myself so I don't hurt anyone else. Whether that's better or worse, I don't know.

I've been reading the blog of another woman my age, going through it all just a little ahead of me. While of course, no two situations are exactly alike, the number of parallels between us is almost eerie. So far, it seems like what I'm feeling is mostly normal...I've behaved badly sometimes...been angry and irrational and kind of a hot mess. But I've also discovered a lot of strength that I didn't know I had. At times, I've even found humor in it all...I know, right? Me, using humor and sarcasm to deal with the hard stuff? Imagine...

Recently, she posted a list--100 Things that Make Me Happy. I couldn't think of a better way to spend a sleepless night, and soon found myself giggling as I typed, and when I was finished, I finally fell asleep for almost TWO lovely hours. Props to Jenny for a great idea...here is mine, in no particular order:

100 Things That Make Me Happy

100. There is always a cool spot on my sheets, because the whole bed is mine.
99. My bookshelves are filled with actual books, not just pictures and knickknacks.
98. Open windows in the springtime. (Add Claritin for best results.)
97. The sound of Sara's snoring.
96. The movie Sliding Doors...it's like instant therapy.
95. That nervous, excited feeling when you realize you're really into the guy...only had it happen twice since the divorce proceedings started last summer, but there may be a third one is on the horizon. ;)
94. When a new recipe turns out well.
93. When I go by to talk to Kristin for a few minutes after lunch and end up spending the day with her.
92. A really good first kiss.
91. Uno marathons with the girls.
90. The ceiling fan in my bedroom can stay on high all the time now.
89. When a book grabs you in the first few pages and doesn't let go.
88. Cheesecake...I finally bought a springform pan.
87. Yoga...I need to get back to it.
86. Running...see also #87.
85. When someone tells me I'm beautiful and means it, because he likes me.
84. Changing out my Scentsy.
83. The smell of a bookstore.
82. Good vodka and a freshly opened bottle of tonic water.
81. Fried chicken...sweet Jesus, I love it...I could eat it every day.
80. Size 6 long jeans...which is why #81 only happens once in a blue moon.
79. The farmer's market on a Saturday morning.
78. Getting up in time for church on Sunday. (Sorry, Fr. Mark...I'll do better.)
77. Ryan Reynolds without his shirt on.
76. Brunch.
75. A good thunderstorm.
74. Seeing a movie and loving it so much that I immediately go buy it on DVD.
73. A nice bottle of wine.
72. Stopping by O's and knowing half the people sitting at the bar.
71. The fact that my car is paid for.
70. My illicit on-again-off-again affair with Hulu Plus and Netflix.
69. Tehehehe....
68. Nick, for inspiring The Macaroni and Cheese Project...which led to the recent discovery of the Chicken Bacon Ranch Macaroni and Cheese recipe. The girls and I will never be the same...
67. Good grammar.
66. My crazy mix of friends who make sure I'm never alone unless I want to be.
65. Adele
64. Lisa's babies...and Audrey...I don't love all babies, mind you...only those that belong to people I love.
63. Finding out that Nancy has secretly threatened every guy I've dated that she's met.
62. Jane Austen...time for a reread.
61. Breakfast at Tiffany's.
60. My fireplace...although its days are numbered until the fall...
59. The first-bite look on Sara's face when I cook her eggs in the bacon grease.
58. My kitchen counter. :) :) :)
57. My daughters' vocabularies.
56. A hello text from someone I'm not expecting to hear from.
55. Pinterest...enough said.
54. Hanging out with my brother...especially in our "original" hometown. Gotta love Norman.
53. John Ford...he is one of the coolest, nicest, most genuine people I've ever known, who never complains or even seems put out about serving as my "loaner hubby" when something breaks. He's also funny as shit...
52. The sound of a street full of kids playing outside.
51. The Wedge's Truffle Shuffle pizza...kinda makes my eyes roll back in my head a little.
50. Awkward Moose.
49. Sitting on the patio by the fire at Deep Deuce Grill...especially if I'm sitting in someone's lap...
48. When I remember to take my thyroid.
47. Sara sneaking into my bed at night.
46. Caprese salad.
45. Holding hands.
44. When having a drink at mom and dad's becomes a party in its own right.
43. Family dinners.
42. Cooking for someone special.
41. Emily's grades.
40. Winning Words With Friends.
39. Baking/cooking experiments with the girls.
38. Thinking about football season...
37. Realizing that sometimes, it really isn't me, it's them.
36. Dinners sitting at the bar with Nancy.
35. Hair appointments with D.
34. Chinese takeout with the kids.
33. Getting ID'd, then seeing a look of surprise in their faces at the year.
32. A nice, clean house...even though there are some that will swear I never make a mess in the first place.
31. Hugs from Emily, especially when I'm expecting an eye roll.
30. Mushrooms in everything.
29. When the guy opens the car door for you...only one of these so far...
28. Smiles from strangers.
27. Half-price pizza night.
26. Downy Wrinkle Releaser, because ironing is bullshit.
25. A new home, free of ghosts from my past staring me in the face all the time.
24. Making new memories in it with my girls and my friends, and maybe someone else...
23. When I can remember that I can't control everything...like when I meet the right person at the wrong time and place.
22. Knowing that even at my worst moment, I'm actually about ten times stronger than anyone realizes, because no one else knows the whole story.
21. The grace and maturity Emily has shown the past few months...and she's TWELVE.
20. Gelato in bed at 10pm.
19. Girls' Movie Nights...even when they choose another damn Twilight marathon.
18. Alliteration.
17. Knowing that seeing me in a relationship is the last thing they need right now...that's one thing that has become obvious to me the past few months. It's not just me, THEY aren't ready...especially Sara. Another reason I'm tiptoeing...
16. Thursday afternoons.
15. Music...couldn't live without it, especially right now.
14. Okay, come on, let's face it, people...dating can be hilarious.
13. Impromptu tea on a Friday afternoon with a friend.
12. Creative energy, especially when I can direct it where it needs to go...I'm not sure writing this at 4:30 in the morning because I can't sleep anyway qualifies...
11. The prospect of camping...at a wedding...on an alpaca farm...
10. Live music.
9. People who don't smoke.
8. Six consecutive hours of sleep.
7. When my daughters' friends greet me with hugs and smiles.
6. Being a big enough person to love someone anyway, even though they hurt and disappoint you...
5. Memory foam.
4. Laughing through tears.
3. Champagne.
2. My people...the ones who have held my hands and walked me through it, and held me up when I felt like quitting, each in their own way...especially Kiki, Ash, Nan, Lisa, D, Bethie, Krystal, and E.
1. Emily and Sara...I am better simply because they exist.